Treasure Island

Terry O'Leary


50's And 60's Weird TV On Channel 3


I think I must be seeing things
Before me stand the four of kings,
They shuffle when the Bishop brings
Annette upon nine raven wings

And Beanie rides a sea serpent
And wonders where the yellow went;
I go to pay the next day's rent,
Where have they taken my new tent?

The bandstand kids look like Dick Clark,
Turn on the lights, I'm in the dark,
I'm standing in Grand Central Park,
A worm has caught a purple lark

And Kookie has run out of combs
So rents out rooms in old maid's homes,
He has B.O. where ere he roams
So buys some spray and sells his tomes,

To your friend Ralph, yes you know who,
The one who should be in a zoo;
He sells used cars upon the tube
To each and every simple boob

And if he gives you stomach ache
Then Alkaseltzer's what you take
And Bufferin too if you're a rake,
Thus hath the Johnny Carson spake

Do I need a cigarette?
A camel says before me yet
‘yes, Luckys is the brand to get,
Be a he man, don't you fret'
‘there must be worser ways to die
So buy brand X, give it a try';

Just then another bird walks up
And asks me what I feed my pup
Then puts a nickel in my cup
And tells me I am full of crup

Of where I am, I'm unaware;
Why are the people all so square?
Who is standing over there?
He says he's here to take my fare
But I'm not going anywhere,
Besides I feel my pockets bare

‘Well then I guess you must have paid'
At this I start to get afraid,
I think my mind will start to fade,
Then Hogen's Heros make a raid,
Upon my sensibilities
And now it's clear why each eye sees
So many people climbing trees;
It aint because of hungry fleas

As Tarzan swings upon a rope
I find I start to give up hope;
Jack Webb has started smoking dope
So now the crooks no longer mope

And Perry Mason kicks a judge
But finds the law will never budge
Unless big business gives a nudge
To Popeye selling ice cream fudge

At this I really have to rush
To our old john so I can flush
So far away this vacant mush
Before my teeth I start to brush

Then Josephine comes to my view
And says ‘I want to talk to you
Have you scrubbed your sink anew?
Your mop I think needs some shampoo'

I said ‘I think you are the plumber
And no one else was ever dumber
You've put me on another bummer'
My feelings start to get much number

Matt Dillon chases Jack LaLane
Around a roller derby lane
I think I need some more cocaine,
So please don't ever come back Shane

I try to walk another street
When me and Walter Cronkite meet;
He says he thinks the news is neat
And starts to talk about the sleet

I run away as fast I can
When Brinkley and the other man
Say ‘good night Peter, good night Pan'
While Tinker Bell is on the can

A dog starts crapping up the yard,
He must have eaten too much Pard
But watch out, here comes Pat Boone, bard,
He's taking steps without regard

I find a jackass facing me
And ride as far as far can be
And find myself beneath the sea,
But now Lloyd Bridges faces me

I think he must be on a hunt
To find a mind that he can stunt;
He says ‘they're sitting all up front
And you can hear them as they grunt'

Old Ironsides rolls into view
And says he's looking for a clue;
I close my eyes and say ‘me too'
'cause something seems so much askew

I better buy some brand new specs
'cause Mickey Mouse is rated X
And everybody's doing sex;
Ben Casey gives the VD checks

Hey, Milton Berle is throwing rocks
And Elvis Presley's chased by flocks
Of girls in teeny bopper socks;
Please help, I'm sick, I need two docs

A weirdo asks me ‘what's my line
If Ricky Nelson drinks my wine
And Lucy is my concubine;
Paola's great if I get mine'

I'm looking for a place to hide
I stick my thumb out for a ride
When Jackie Gleason pulls up beside
‘If two squared's four, can you divide? '

‘Of course I can, I've been to school
And I am not nobody's fool'
I feel I am a molecule
Just floating through a vestibule

So Jackie says ‘you are a kid
But older than a pyramid,
Too bad you're not a phallic squid;
I say, ah, can you spare a lid? '

Some girls are wearing panty hose
They shave their hair which overgrows
And spray away their bod's B.O.s;
I want to fade inside my clothes

Some kid is spraying Clearasil,
He wants to make his pimples nil;
He paints his breath with chlorophyll;
I'm in the dream of someone ill

I'm fleeing but I feel a goose,
Behind me grins a guy named Bruce,
His velvet miniskirt is puce
Why can't I even call a truce?

There's Billy Graham on a binge
His holy words do make me cringe;
If nonsense were a door with fringe
Then Billy Graham would be the hinge

I hear some Wallace words unkind
How has our race so soon declined?
His thoughts should be in shit enshrined;
Thank god my eyes are color blind

The Beverly Hillbillys pace the street
The crowds are lying at their feet
While Petticoat Junction joins the fleet
And Green Acres makes it complete

I guess I know that something's wrong
I haven't yet met old King Kong,
They say ‘he went back to Hong Kong
For that is where he do belong'

Now I'm pausing in the gloom
And watch the reruns they exhume
They still do stink, I smell the fume;
To run away I must resume

Here comes Mitch, he's singing songs
While Lawrence Welk, he beats the gongs;
I need to buy some racing thongs,
Instead they sell me three Ding Dongs

Behind me now there grows a tree
While Howdy Doody bends his knee;
I haven't lost my sanity,
I'm merely tuned to Channel Three

Submitted: Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Edited: Thursday, October 04, 2012

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