My Lost Years Poem by Nur Meiyati

I was living in a place on the Earth
Going here and there
Among the crowd
Among the nature
Under the beautiful sky
Among the wind
I was told it was peaceful and beautiful
If I related it with the hand of God
And I falsely thought I was peaceful

Busy doing my daily activities
Working
Socializing
Among my family and relatives
Among my colleagues
Like butterflies
Among my admirers
All were completely normal

I was told that was how I must be
All were automatically
And I really thought that I was normal
As I was the same as others
In a uniformity of thinking and behaving

I learnt to do and not to do this or that
According to the rules of my religion
I learnt to be a good devotee
By not asking anything
Just listen and do
Because this is faith, I was told

I was allowed to think with the exception of 'not about this and that'
But that is the very crucial thing (later I recognized the spot)
I was obstinate so it was easy for me to take the perseverance
I became really good
I liked to learn
So I read a lot lot of books about my religion in any genres
Only by holding the principle of faith
Not to ask, just listened and did as what was told to me
I was a bit a fast learner for certain things
So I absorbed a lot of information quickly

I then learnt how to hate
How to feel to become victims....collective victims
From the power of the powerful countries
I learned about the dichotomy of powerful countries against the powerless that's identical to the helpless
I had the uniform thought that it was okay if the 'wicked' powerful got punishment
How nice it would be if the gigantic buildings of the wicked power bombed
So all would tumbled down and came to pieces.
I even thought it's not a problem if the people around were affected
As that was a therapy shock to the power
So they would feel the way we felt
To be victims or victimized
Just as the book told me

I have a 'heroic' character inherited from my mother
So I was so lucky that at that time I did not meet any of the radical religious leaders
If I did I am sure that I could be their martyr or a soldier or a terrorist
And I am sure I could become my leaders's favourite
As their brave and brilliant student

Time passed by
I became more and more absorbed in the teaching of my religions
Walking on the guided path thinking I had found God and loved by God
As I was in a total submission
I learnt about a lot lot of kinds of sins
I learnt to feel guilty of this and that
I used to be a sweet girl and falsely thought that all people were good
And added by the teaching of my religion that I was not allowed to have negative thinking to other people
Must always think other people positively until I had proof
But the real life was not like that
I had not been taught or trained about how to be aware of cruel people and how to face them
I was too sweet and too fragile to know the real world
The teaching of my religion made me more and more fragile
The next episode of my life was a very sad story

I met someone that soon became my best friend
I welcome her warmly as that was the nature of me
People liked to laugh and mock at her as she had a strange face and strange behaviour
She had almost no friends
That 's why my side of character inherited from my mother 'to protect the unfortunate people' worked
But later I knew she approached me with a wicked intention to destroy me
Because she was so envious of me and she wanted anything that belonged to me
I was not aware as I never knew that kind of feeling
I did not realize that according to her, I had everything she was dreaming of
But I suspected later perhaps she loved me that she even did not realize it
Or she realized it but as she knew that I was not, she changed her intention into manipulating me
It was easy for her to make me her prey
She was the follower of Jesus but she learned the same religion as mine in her childhood
So she knew the mentality of the followers
And I was in uniformity that she did not need to learn me as an individual
She used the flaws of my way of thinking that derived from my religion
She cunningly and wickedly used the occasions in my life
the death of my father, the death of grandmother
To instill a feeling of guilty so my mind would be easy to be manipulated
She had a brilliant criminal mind hidden in her stupid look

Then I was vanished from the world for nine years
I did not exist
Only my body that was on this Earth
But strangely I had been living in a very normal life
No one knew, not even me, that I was buried
As I thought and behave in the same way as others
I worked well and socialized well
But gradually people saw there was something going on
As I was not like I had been before
The sweet woman who liked to be around people
Now had no other friends except her
And even gradually I became far from my family
She instilled the thought in my mind that my family did not love me
And only she who was so kind to me so I thought she was my best friend
I defended her bravely every time people mocked her including my family
That in fact because they noticed that she behaved strangely
No one helped me as anyone else saw there was something wrong going on
But no one could see where the point was
She did the cruelty to me in front of my eyes
Taking all my belongings that I gave her with my own hand
She never forced me as I would gave her with wholeheartedly
I saw her wickedness with my eyes but I should have seen it with my mind so I would know it
She hypnotized and manipulated me
Made me the victim of the mind game
It was going on and on
And lasted for that very long time

Then another occasion happened
That involved the man I mentioned to you
The peak of wickedness
That lead me to gain my consciousness
The occasion made me realize
That cruelty and wickedness had limits
No one helped me, but at last the time came
The limit of wickedness
God's hand worked
With the helped of my consciousness

I learned
How simple sentence from my beloved uncle who live far from my town, a follower of Jesus
Could help me gain my consciousness although still vaguely
Among the noisiness of the people around me
He said “God is loving and full of understanding, not easy to punish people”
Given in the right time stabbing deep in my heart
So powerful was his sentence
It was like the situation when we are in sleep paralysis
We subconsciously struggle to gain our consciousness
To be fully awake
And only us who must do it for ourselves

Layer by layer I could recover my consciousness
Fear was that made me weak
So gradually I had to wash my fear from all over my body and my soul
She was so crazy knowing that I had gained my consciousness
Because she knew me well
That I liked to fight for life and never gave up
With the support of an important man in my life and all of my beloved family
I brought the case to court that sent her to the jail
With a lot of struggle, perseverance, and suffering
“You have to do it well so you can live your life in the future”
The important man in my life, my other love other than 'YOU', assured me
And it gave me strength
She never regretted it for what she did to me
She only regretted that it was revealed...a perfect criminal mind

That's why I am always full of anger to know that very often people who had hold the power
Play with the justice
Either because they are not dedicated or because of material things
They do not realize that in their hand they hold the supreme power of God

I know it well because gradually I become more and more conscious
As I am free of fear and my mind is not governed by rules million of peoples worship
I understand now that all kinds of fears I once had when I still held my religion is in fact illusion
When the fears disappear everybody can have a free thinking
But the fact often makes me feel like I am full of burden
And I feel so alone in the crowd of people
As I think differently with the majority
I see something that other people do not see
I feel something that other people cannot feel it
I am not normal anymore
Sometimes I want to talk about it
But it is difficult to reach their mind
And I understand it well as that was also me after “YOU' left me before I became I

Before I gained my fully consciousness
I became a bit traumatic with people who are strange or having a not too nice face (sorry to say so)
I was also feeling a bit disgusted with 'l' woman
But I fight my own traumatic
She had destroyed my life once
But I will not let her continue her grip on my mind
I must never lose my nature
And I won
I am not a 'l” as I am interested in men only
But I will never judge a 'g' or an 'l' as right or wrong
I will not be afraid of women or men with strange faces
Back to my nature

Ah ….
How subtle is the characteristic of 'mind'
If you have consciousness
You can read the mind of other people
It's very easy if the one you reads has a collective mind
Only by knowing your religion, your minds are very transparent
How people use it depends on their morality value
For a good or bad intention
Some wicked people are hiding behind religions
As they know very well how to handle and manipulate people using religions
But in fact they are politicians whose concern are only power, money and fame
And sometimes they are hiding, using the religious people to be manipulated to manipulate the mass
And the most often are the politicians are used to be manipulated to manipulate the mass

And with this very loooooooooooooooong poem (a poem? ? ?)
I want to warn all of you
wake up, wake up, wake up
gain your consciousness
Use your mind and heart
Eradicate your fears
And welcome to FREE THINKING