Tainted Poem by gabriella mendoza

some days are easier, it won't make a sound in my thoughts, a faint tick lost in the waves.
but then there are other days; days where i succumb to it. drowning within the reality of what i am.

sometimes i just want to let myself fall, into the deepest pit of self pity. i'll feed off the dust lying on the ground, waiting for someone to break me out, take me in their arms, and love me.

i'm made up of tainted blood, a gift given at birth, marking me broken.

me and my best friend went out to eat today, at a cafe a few blocks from my apartment. we sat outside, our backs to the the gate separating our bodies from the frantic traffic behind us. we made awkward small talk about our lunch, attempted to create connections which we seemed to have trouble relating to. a reality set in by her new mindset towards me, her sympathy, her pity, all for me. she stuffs it down my throat, in large heaps, causing my insides to gag. we both smile, and take in a few seconds of silence, both searching throughout the scenery for more bits of small talk. cars pass by, lovers laugh loudly to themselves, as if inviting the entire city in on their conversation, yet closing the world out with their deep connections that only they could feel. clouds, birds, cars, fast cars, slow cars, dresses, red, white, green, blue, purple. the speakers outside the cafe changes songs, i can faintly hear a familiar tune falling out the speakers, a tune we both once loved. a burst of relief pops into my mouth as i suddenly break the silence.
i spoke too eagerly, small traces of saliva land on the back of her hand, i suddenly close my mouth, entering us into another sea of silence.

her hand jerks, an instant reaction, without thought, without feeling. she catches herself and looks at me, apologetically. her heart may be kind but her instincts remain, forcing her hand to pull away, as if my spit could somehow dig through her skin, tainting her blood with my sickness.

i looked at her for a moment, is this really you? or is this what i've become, triggered the second the doctor labeled me broken.

i know she didn't mean it, but i left anyway. she called after me, stood up from her chair and called after me a second time. she gave up after that and sat back down. i knew she would.

i locked myself in my apartment, and forced my eyes shut; begging my body to let me fall into a deep sleep.

they say that there's these monsters inside of me, and they won't let me live. they're tearing apart the fortresses that keep my heart beating, and she's left vulnerable. 'help me! somebody please! they're here! please, save me! DO SOMETHING! ' i can hear my heart screaming louder and louder, i cover my ears, i hold my breath. 'i can't help you. please, stop screaming.'
she continues, her screams muffled with blood. her words become watery, i can hear them covered with bubbles of air, escaping her terrorized being. she's dying.

i can feel it boiling, my blood. i need to cool down before my insides go aflame.
so i grab some tools, and unscrew my joints; my fingers, my wrists, my knees, my ankles, my neck.
i see them now, the little monsters hiding in my veins. i see them falling on the carpet, widening as they set within the fabrics. i'm still hot, everything is so hot. i open the window, and let the breeze cool me down. i can hear the cars driving past the streets, i can hear the birds flying, singing, the wind. i can hear it move the trees, they create a cool breeze, i like it when it hits my face. she's stopped screaming, she's silenced. i'm calm when she's quiet, it lets me think.