My Journey With Grief Poem by Almedia Knight-Oliver

Annoyed with grief, yet not letting go of her dead body.

I still remember that rainy evening in the emergency room, seeing her
supine, anxiously watching doctors and nurses, then caught sight of me
raising her heads as I neared the bed I heard: " I'm so glad to see my family'


Her eyes were shining like Zodiac constellation and I had no
expectation that anybody of the zodiac family behind: Capricorn Pisces,
Taurus, and Scorpio of mama and papa's girls, would cease shining even
with the lightweight tube split into two prongs, hooked behind each ear and
in each nostril; and her intent pulling them out and mine putting them back.

I left sooner than I should've- - was sick too-besides it was pouring rain and
my husband patiently waiting outside for me.I bowed down, planted a kiss on her
rosy forehead!
Before I left, I told her I would see her the following day then forlornly,
she whispered"Come early"

Oh' if only I had stayed longer perhaps, I could've countered the voices of
the dead beoning her to meet them on the distant shore the next morning
But that morning, while still home, I received an untimely call describing all
the things she had done to save my sister and me weeping at the same time asking
the doctor why, she let my sister go before I could get to the hospital?

"BIG SIS" I'm remembering years later after mama and boys left us behind wondering
who would be the first of her septuagenarian girls to meet her and our brothers on the shore.
Too, you'll never know the many times I heard your heart beating, your chest wanting
to get away from the cold chills, wet sweat, ringing sound, unwanted metal taste in your mouth;
and your hands and feet dead as a door knob and how I wish I would've helped, but was very troubled too.

And I want to apologize for calling you weak because, I know how much strength it takes to face this world every day, and with ingenuity, you created your own world, even times masquerading reality while fear and anxiety repeatedly conspired with
death and walked away leaving you in a state of fight or flight. I took flight like
a jet airplane!

Oh my! It's hard to believe it's been more than five years since you left us behind. But, during every holiday season-like now, I hear that doctor's words in my ears and day in and day out I call out your name, and grief calls even louder!

Too, sis, I miss you, mama and papa, five brothers, a few nieces and nephews, and two years ago another sister left me behind too. Now just baby-sister and I, of the nine, are waiting on life's shore. Sadly at times, our baby sister can't recall the 5ws, and that leaves me struggling to recall who, what, where, when, and why life unfolds like this?

Sis, I feel so alone without our family, and after many years living with grief pondering if grief is just a dream within a dream and I'm grieving my own life slipping away like sand through my fingers, and leaving my family to repeat the cycle not knowing what to do?

But today, I'll spend time listening to memories of some of our childhood games and things: hopscotch, hide-n-seek, and chasing each other around the house, and wishing
I'd told you before you left me behind that I'd been conditioned to classical music. If I just see a piano, I see your long fingers- born to play the piano-slowly pushing the keys then softer and harder-sis you had such control of those black and white keys! Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, and everyone else were proud of you!
But. I should not have told you that we were living in a different time and: "my heart beatin the rhythm, soul keeps on singin the blues and [I should] tell Tchaikovsky the news then to move over"

Sis, I remember your loving care when I had nobody else there; and when we spat, you would never sleep before calling to apologize even if the spat was not your fault.
I'll never stop missing you sister dear! And am sorry for not telling you so
My heart's only solace is one day we will be together, maybe not in the same form
but in the same spirit.

"BIG SIS" although, your death created a grief-stricken road and I had to travel it, and learn how to rid myself of grief. Now let me have my say: I didn't know that one could benefit from hidden consequences. Sis, there was only a 15-month age gap between us. Now I know how the unique roles our relationship played in one another life helped me to find the purpose of my life in the midst of pain, suffering, and lastly grief…
Hush…I heard the door slam!