My Breathless Screams Poem by Naomi Fraser

Must I scream any longer
Are you satisfied
If I perform every tear my pillowcase has absorbed,
would you understand
Am I to continue my shouts and aimless pleas until my voice becomes raspy and broken
Such as the day I realized you no longer laugh with me
Shall I sweeten the deal with my own blood
Iron scent to cover my wrists, and to enhance my cries
Tracing each anguishing name on my forearm
Have I repaid my debts
Or must I continue to take the unmeasured, uncounted falls
Take the most tortuous, most shameful blame
Over and over, again and again
Therefore dismissing every strand of dignity I have been so desperate for
Am I destined to be the one to apologize first, to admit fault
The first to give up and give in to your stubbornness that I used to admire
Why am I simply seen as the mistake, the fault
When despite all those elements being nothing but true, I am more
Why must I empathize and cry alone and be called weak or rather, ridiculous, by my own father
Have every feud and dispute be my doing, my mother unscathed, unacknowledging, unaccepting
Why must I learn to hold back tears
I have learned to be numb
Would you prefer I stay this way;
Numb? Alone? Screaming and shying away from eyes that have only learned judgment
Would you prefer I bleed for you
I have cried for you, I have pleaded you to stay my purpose, to stay how you were
But, will you ever see the meaning behind my scars, behind my tears, behind my breathlessness
Or will I always scream alone
Until I can't scream any longer
And my voice gives out, of course, no ever really listened to it anyway
Or perhaps I was never willing to speak, instead choked on my words
Therefore I shriek in silence and cry invisible tears
Am I honestly going to move deeper into this madness I now call my life?
A life I no longer wish to live?
Am I? Of course I am
No doubt, I am destined and fated the same each time
I WILL always scream alone