Treasure Island

Ace Of Black Hearts

(04/17/1984 / Homa Lousiana)

Disappearing Act


Another part of the past relived and visited.
From window in a tin box, I sit stare out at the great beyond and wonder.
All the marvelous things.
A hidden ghost, you see me but you no longer know me.
That person died a very long time ago.
I buried him under the ash of a burnt out fire.
So many cold years.
Sheltering no fears, no shed tears.
I don't miss it.
Not one bit.
Gone with wind.
Shouldering no shame.
No blame.
You never wondered where I went.
And I never mention it.
Not a lost child.
Pulling a white rabbit out of the magical hat.
That is what I feel like today.
Not losing control.
But a question of how much I should show?
How much do I really know?
Convince me that I was wrong.
Tell me some fabrication of the truth I dare you.
Screwed up inside.
A burly bride to the scars I hide.
Not angry, not lonely.
Not welcoming the company.
You reached out and I accepted.
Nothing more than that.
Strange meeting in a inconvenient circumstance.
An awkward dance.
Stumbling blocks set out for this moment.
Breaking the silence.
Try to relieve the chills that ride my spine.
Braving the slippery ice.
Trying to be nice.
Lets just see where that gets me.
I use to call you family.
Until you left me to hang out and dry.
Like a possession all used.
The last nail hammered in.
Striking match and waiting for it blow.
But not sure the explosives still exist.
A promise land destroyed under the fire of the rising sun.
I don't regret.
I don't fret.
Not one bit worried.
My expectation low.
Remember I am the ghost.
A ill forgotten shadow.
That was the way I wanted it.
I stop trying to make peace a long time ago.
Moving on.
Holding no flag in your name.
Your no hero of mine.
I know words sometimes seem unkind.
But you ruined my the last of my childhood.
It was way too early.
But I guess we all have to grow up sometime.
And I climbed the latter.
Stumbling.
Losing my footing.
I remember those days with clarity.
Suicidal disparity.
In genius rarities.
Look I made it, and it was no thanks to you.
You watched as I was falling.
You disassociated yourself completely.
You were just looking for my money.
As long as I had it you were happy.
But soon as I didn't.
You taught me the famous disappearing act I've been doing for years.
Years, and years.
All these changes.
Does it bring frustration, that I no longer feel any effect from your meager attempts at manipulation.
Robbing the cradle with words of divination.
Child support the expectation.
But you never got it.
So my job became so god damn pointless.
Never taught me the important things I really needed to make it in life.
Complicating, what was already extremely an upside down world for me.
Feeding my ego with promises of seeing snow white again.
We meant at home game.
Oh what was her name.
Becky lee holler.
A name like that I could never forget.
We dated for over 3 months.
Taught me to not have faith distant relationships.
I learned it early.
I learned it young.
No car, no license, and no form of transportation.
And boom it was an absent sky.
A void, the first of many that I couldn't just avoid.
All because you abandon me after you took me under your wing.
Fortunes cookies have more predictability.
Its a ah I know what your gonna say.
I'll give you the sun and the moon.
But it'll cost you.
Everything.
Homeless, walking on the street.
At the age of 16.
Just awesome.
And you wonder why I stopped talking to you?
When later on you tried to reconnect.
Some of the hardest lesson learned, are the ones that can be never corrected.
I hope you are satisfied.
I dropped out of school.
I stayed at different friends houses for over two a months.
Before I was able get my parents to take me back in.
You were right though, I shouldn't been buying my brothers food with my hard earned money when both my parents were working.
Sometimes we miss what is important.
But that for sure woke them up.
But it also divided them.
One hated me, and the other defended me.
At odds.
Then the fire happened, you didn't help in anyway.
And you want to call yourself a big sister.
No I don't think so.
At least when dad abandon me, there was no mistaking it.
And I wasn't wondering where I was going to sleep, or what I was going to eat.
He left mom, didn't throw me out because he wasn't receiving money for me.
The bottom, that was the first it was reached.
Not the last.
But now you come knocking on unfamiliar door.
Let me ask how that feels.
Stings I bet.
Let the pain set for awhile for I have not forgiven you yet.
Not sure I can.

Submitted: Sunday, June 09, 2013
Edited: Thursday, August 01, 2013

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  • Lyn Paul (6/9/2013 6:39:00 AM)

    Much sadness in these words, yet the power of your strength is truly amazing, Many parents should not have this title. Yet without them there would not be you. (Report) Reply

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