Daily Poem by Mindy Brown

i sit here and write and ponder the truth of your words daily
always searching for the truth in your promises.
yet daily you make me remember how long i have been waiting for your love.
why dont you realize the pain and sorrow you are causing me everytime you break one of those promises?
so i sit here and i dream a dream so sweet and happy and i KNOW that it will never be a reality.

my tears turn into blood and all i can see is red,
instead of sobs all i can hear is a buzzing that is blocking all sounds, leaving me in a terrible quiet place,
my hands start to clench and unclench in a pattern of hate and anger,
my breathing becomes harsh, shallow and fast.
I AM ABOUT TO EXPLODE!

dont you realize what you are doing to me? ?
in case you are so oblivious i will shout it in a voice you can UNDERSTAND:

YOU'RE TEARING MY WISHES AND DREAMS AWAY FROM MY HOPEFUL HEART.
YOU'RE TEARING AWAY EVERYTHING I ONCE LOVED,
YOUR TEARING MY HEART APART.

SO DONT WHISPER YOUR BULLSH! T WORDS JUST YELL THEM,
AND DONT LOOK AT ME WITH YOUR LYING EYES.

I GAVE YOU MY HEART AND YOU JUST RIPPED EVERYTING SLOWLY AWAY,
UNTIL I HAD NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE YOU.
YOU DESERVE AN ENERNITY OF TORTURE IN THE FIERY BLAZES OF HELL,

so dont tell me you love me when all u do is break my heart with your cutting words
and leave me lying here all alone.
when all u do is leave me wanting a better tommorow.

DON'T YOU GET IT?
I HATE YOU!

my heart and soul is constantly breaking and healing, loving and hating, and accepting or denying YOU.
i am lost when it comes to how i am supposed to feel about you.

what you HAVE TO REALIZE is that i was RAISED to HATE you.
i was told you were lower than the cracked and dirt streets i walked on daily.
i was told you were nothing but a drug addict and that was all you were ever gonna be.
i was told that i should never make any hopes about you being in my life, that they were just gonna be broken.
i was told that you would break my heart like you broke my mom's.
i was told that you would hate me and not accept me.
i was told you were a BAD PERSON all together, and that i should FORGET you.
BUT I CAN'T! ! ! !

i think about you DAILY,
and i keep wishing that you would love, care and think about me as much as i think about you.
but now i see you will never care for me as i do you.

YOU WILL NEVER ACCEPT ME AS YOUR DAUGHTER
YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME GRADUATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL
YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY FIRST CHILD
YOU WILL NEVER HELP ME SURVIVE THIS WORLD
YOU WILL NEVER CARE ABOUT ME AS MUCH AS I CARE ABOUT YOU.
YOU WILL NEVER THINK ABOUT ME AS MUCH AS I THINK ABOUT YOU.

so many promises have been broken and so many more years are going to pass,
when are you gonna decide to be a man and be my father?
is it when you are old and gray, with no way to make your money?
will you ask for me then, when it is too late?

I HAVE TRIED TO FORGET ALL THE BAD I HAVE HEARD BUT EVERYTIME I TALK TO YOU,
AND YOU LIE AND BREAK YOU PROMISES TO ME,
I HEAR THE CRUEL WHISPERS AND THE TAUNTS ABOUT HOW LOUSY A MAN YOU ARE.
WHY OH WHY CAN'T YOU PROVE THEM ALL WRONG DAD? ? ? ? ! ! !

daily i try to remember the good and forget about the ugly part of you,
and daily i wish to have a future with you in it.....

~ i wrote this to my father.... i have so many words and thoughts that oneday i wish i can tell him to his face
so that i can try to get out all this anger focused towards men and (mostly) my father. my father is the typical poor ex-jailbird,
BUT i just keep waiting for him to see that i dont wanna judge him, i just want him in my life, that i want to FINALLY get to know him.....~