Chapter 1: Growing Up(Revision 006) Poem by Ace Of Black Hearts

It all started in a small no name town. I don't know if it even should be called a town. Throw a stone and watch it travel from one end to the other.
Yes its that small. Hell I don't think the population is larger then 100 and that's includes pets. Everyone knows each other on a first name basis. That is except for the recluse that lives up on the hill. He rarely comes out of his house, and when he does is always giving dirty looks, growling, and grumbling. I think his stradgey is brilliant. Want to keep people away behave as miserable as possible. They'll avoid you like the plague. But it doesn't seem to work on the kids, they have been terrorizing him for years.

Yes I was one the kids, in one way or another we were all one of those kids. The difference between is I'm willing to admit I was, admit I have a darker side, one that enjoys cruelty, one that uses laughter as a deflection from the self loathing. The old coot definitely got the better of me in the end.
He had me scared into a stupor by the time I was heading to college.

But that's getting way ahead of myself. The first place I grew up in, was a half a double where the rent was 30% of your income, and included everything.

So yes we were poor, and my mother was a single parent by the time I was 6 years old.
My father pretended to care about us, but never was there. And nobody step to fill his shoes to my late and mid teens.

I lost both my sisters by twelve years old. It was hard it was painful, but my little brother kept me going for a lot of those years whether he realizes it not. So the next time he's down and out I hope he thinks of me all he has done for me over the years. It definitely made difference in my life.
By lost in no way do I mean they died in anyway but instead my mom gave custody to family members because 4 children was too much for her at that time. At least that was my assumption, the truth is I will never know or understand. All I knew was I lost my big sisters who protected me, who looked out for me.

My sister names are Rachael and Dianne. Dianne is one year older then me, and Rachael was 5 years older then me. My one sister exposed me to the darker side life, and my other showed me creative side, in art, in writing, in love, in life. They were two completely opposite sides of the same coin. And taught me so much in so few years.

After they ended up with other family members
housing would no longer allow us to live in one of there half a doubles. And moved us into a tiny ass apartment on the third floor a couple buildings over. Still the same cost totally not worth it.

My sister leaving changed my life in ways I can still not describe. Pieces of you being ripped off you a little at a time. Slowly you become emotionally numb to anything and everyone. The bullying started right after that. I can't even count the number of fights I got in during those years. Some I caused, others were not my fault at all. Falling into so many bad habits all at once. The downward spiral had begun.
I'm still not certain I ever actually hit rock bottom.
But I know I came close a couple times. Even tried to kill myself on multiple occasion during those years.

So yeah I have a true understanding of a suicide attempt, and battling depression, not the attention seeking behavior that everyone thinks means their they want to die. It's the silent ones you got to worry about. It's the ones that feel completely abandoned, and feel they have no one reach out too that are the most likely candidates.


They say experience gives you the best perspective. But I wouldn't want anyone else to have wear my shoes. Most couldn't survive there is certain kind of strength needed to live through all I have. Not just my childhood, but my whole life. Think you got it bad trust me there is someone whose got it so much worse somewhere out there. Think no one knows what your going through, you are sadly mistaken.
The best advice I can give anyone like that is make friends with someone you can truly talk too about anything. Because talking about it does help.

The real changes started in my life that lead me to where I am now started when we moved. Like all families we had our up and downs. And during one of those ups, it no longer made sense to live in a place that cost 30% of your income. My mother was finally had a job, where it was cheaper to rent a regular half a double then live in income based housing. That's not to say we were rich, that has never been my case in all my life. But it was definitely an improvement. Having your yard, having pets, being aloud to make changes to place in which you live without having to ask for permission every time. Not having to deal with constant inspections of the place you live. Count the ways. It was definitely a happy time for us. Some of the best christmas, easters, birthdays, newyears were celebrated. It was the only time in my life where I felt I had a true family.