A Woman's Guide To Men. Poem by Simon Gowen

Now before you go and find one,
I’ve written you a guide
On what goes on with men these days
So keep this by your side.

They’ll Home in on your best bits
They’ll talk straight to your chest
They’ll make you feel that you’ve struck gold
You’ll think he is the best!

He’ll treat you like a princess
He’ll sometimes buy you roses
The first few dates he’ll hold your hand
And kiss you, rubbin’ noses.

You take him to a clothes shop
You walk around and kiss
You ask him from the changing rooms
“Does my bum look big in this”

He’ll simply say “Of course not”
“That dress was made for you”
Now secretly, you know yourself
That dress would cover two!

You go to meet his parent’s
They tell you of his past
And while you’re in the loo you hear
“How long will this one last”

But soon the best bits start to fade
And this is what you’ll get
From the guy you met a year ago
The prince you thought you’d met.

The shopping soon is simple
You’re out there on your own
No need for his opinion
But he’s there when you get home.

He’s sat there at the table
He’s waiting to be fed
He doesn’t ask about your day
Just grunts and moans instead.

No longer will he kiss your lips
The butterflies are gone
The flame has long since died within
The torch for him you shone

Now I’ve painted you a picture
I’d hardly call it art
It’s time to pull his finger as
He’s saved for you a fart!