Your Call Is Important To Us [yeah, Right! ] Poem by Tony Jolley

….Ah, no, not us, I'm afraid…

[Trans: for 'I'm afraid' read 'hallelujah! ',
What did Douglas Adams call it? –
An S.E.P.: Someone Else's Problem', thank god! ]

Why don't you try this number – I'm sure they'll be able to help.

[Trans: they won't have any more of a clue than me,
But at least you'll be off my back
And I can log you as a 'problem solved' and a 'happy customer'
On my spreadsheet
And all under the 'three minutes a call' target too! ]

I'm sorry, all our agents are busy at the moment –
We'll be with you as soon as we can.

[Trans: if we can keep talking long enough
The call queue will get fed up and ring off anyway,
Then we can nip off for an early lunch]

Welcome to our new 'CDS' Caller Direction Service…
If you have a star button on your phone – kindly press it now…
You have not pressed the star button on your phone… kindly press it now…
You have failed to press your 'star button'..
We are unable to direct your enquiry
And have placed your call in the general queuing system-
One of our operatives will be with you shortly.
Your waiting time is estimated at 3 minutes.
In the interests of security and for training purposes
You should be aware that this call may be being recorded.
This is a premium rate line charged at £1.08 per minute:
Please hold the line…………..

[Trans: The call centre cost us too much (yes, even outsourced to India)
So we've put in this cheap and nasty barrier to annoy you while you wait.
You don't have a 'star button' or you are not pressing it –
Are you so thick you don't know where your 'star button' is,
Or such a cheapskate you haven't bought a new phone in the last 10 years?
Our operators are thinner on the ground now than ever
And haven't had a rise in ages
So don't expect too much: we pay peanuts – so you get monkeys:
That's the law of the global, economic jungle: just live with it, why don't you? .
Your 'waiting time estimation' is a figment of our creative imagination
Based upon what we feel you might like to think it will be
Rather than what will prove to be eventually…
…If, that is, you can be bothered to hang on that long (which we doubt) .
Your call is being recorded for use at the Christmas party
'Most Abusive Caller' competition –
By the time most callers actually get through they have had ample opportunity
To stoke their impatience and turn it into some pretty impressive invective!
The premium rate: yeah, well, where do you think the Chairman and MD's
Platinum Parachutes and Golden Handshakes came from? ]

Your call is important to us.
Our agents know you are waiting and will be with you as soon as they can.

[Trans: your call isn't important to us: you know it and we know it.
If it were you'd have been directed to a bureau full of staff
And picked up within three rings,
But you just want to cost us time and money
And give us a problem we don't need –
So we'll be with you if and when we damn well feel like it.]

Your call is important to us
But, sadly, all our agents are still busy:
Kindly ring back later when convenient.
Have a nice day!

[Trans: Wake up!
Your call hasn't suddenly become anymore important to us than it was
When we first started trotting that line out 28 minutes and 19 seconds ago.
Our agents are ignoring you – but don't feel aggrieved:
They ignore all callers fairly in accordance with
The company's published 'equality policy' (see website for details) .
If you can be bothered to ring back after this ghastly experience,
Please do so when it is convenient to us…
ie when we are busy, you end up in a queue, and we don't have to speak to you.
We don't care what sort of a day you have
As long as you don't spend any more of it bothering us….

…. But thanks for the 28 minutes and 19 seconds at £1.08 per minute:
That's £20.87 you owe us.]