V-Day Overseas Poem by Herbert Nehrlich

Being that you are, this year
not only out of town but far,
so far away for Valentine,
I got myself in gear and bought
a card, it was a pretty one,
sat down, a Foster's by my side
and words were gonna flow
onto the pre-drawn lines.

I sat all day and half the night
but nothing came, my tongue
was tied onto itself, my eyes
bloodshot and gritty now
just needed sleep, I was,
as well all out of beer
and there was not the time
to send the card to you.

So, I don't really give a carp
what everybody thinks,
I love the little lady still
and call her secretly
the number thirteen D,
which does not quite refer
to any garment size at all,
so put your tongue back in
and let me yabber a bit more.

I wrote the blooming envelope,
addressing it PAR AVION,
like they had stipulated,
seems the French invented mail,
and not the Yanks on the Prairie,
by then the Post had closed,
'twas Friday night and me
I'd be in outhouse penal colony
for sheer neglect and total lack
of LOVE, a lie should you ask ME,
so I was just about to get the diary
where all our private numbers live,
but (kid you not) twas not to be.

A foreign voice Alloooh, Allooh?
Then followed by a nasal Nooh.
They had not heard of her,
would I be able to provide details,
like house and height, shoe size I guess
so they could punch it in to their
système de la recherche
per'aps tomorrroh vould be bien?

That's how I snapped that Friday night,
last night my LOVE, I do regret
that we will need a brand new telephone,
a coffee table and the Grecian Vase,
I did not tip the driver, he was way too slow
but heck, I made it, and I brought this card.
It is for you and I just thought you'd smile
to hold my Valentine close to your boobs
and here I am, a trifle out of place.

Oh yes, I nodded off and dreamed of you,
and thought you might, well thanks,
I needed that, you taste like wine
and forest berries, just like you do
at home, and...can we go somewhere
those folks are staring love, perhaps
well, where exactly do you stay,
it's a hotel, of course, and would there be
an even chance that they provide
a bed of decent size, not that I mind
to sleep out in the hall, what do you think?

Yes, dear I shall be quiet, shut it now,
you still taste sweet, Lambrusco like?
Ohhm, ahh, this is OKAYYYYYYY,
I'll catch the lights but where's the bloody switch?