To My Aunties Boyfriend Poem by Joe Napolitano

I would like to start off by saying
thank you for coming here today
I understand you have a very busy schedule and I appreciate the time you've taken
to meet with me. The point we are addressing is of great importance. No it's not
to comment on last night's game, politics or my thoughts on foreign policy. It is to
address those digits that have caused my
face a plethora of nightmarish experiences.

Pinch pinch, you're adorable, pinch pinch,
Cutie wootie. You're fingers are Israel
to my face being Palestine. I'm grateful
that my aunt has found a man to make
her happy. And don't get me wrong, I was
excited to see you. But good lord.

I'm a grown man now, and I'm still taking
hard enemy fire to the face. Because of
you, every time I smile, I look as though
I'm having a stroke. You're fingers have
resisted the urge to attack this boy child
face less times than Jimmy Fallon has
genuinely laughed on his show.

Please, for the sake of my chastened
cheeks hold your fire. Keep your hands,
index fingers, and thumbs away from
my face. I understand that my face
was once Gerber certified, but it has
since lost it's luster. The chubby cheeks
have remained, but all other goodness
has since decayed. Please sign on the
dotted line if you can agree to this. And
thank you for helping me save face today.