To Be Continued: Night Thoughts Poem by Andrus Cassian

Go...away…
It comes a low mumble but I mean it as a scream
lying here on this creaky carpeted wooden floor it seems
I'm not going to sleep for while, getting lost with my dreams
not like they love me, they've spent years trying to have me lay deceased
and I'm so tempted lately to feel at least that release
yet even in dreams I'm so terrified of death
my feet run with all their might so I may avoid the sting
though I still know what a bullet feels like to pierce my skin
even recalling it now makes me feel like there's a wound in my chest
but at best, it's nothing new
One was always there…
It's so easy to blame Sarah, I still feel the urge to do so now
Her passing into my life, I call it so her fault
my weaker self would dub it so
fortunately I've grown, I've put it behind me
We are no longer close
I still believe I know her better than most
while she's laughing away on a Texas coast
I don't know if the coast is where she lays her head
honestly it's better food for my thoughts than this nagging feeling, buzzing about this makeshift bed
I'm lost without a start, no one's calling with opportunities for me to get out of my room
an empty stomach is my doom
I'm so used to buying my food
but my cash supply will run out soon
I need to save what I have
what I have is that nagging voice in the back of my head groaning, saying
"What's the use? "
What is the use
I don't mean to complain
I'm simply feeling so much disdain
My friends are nonexistent
Happy with their lives, they're beyond content
I don't want to rain on their parade
bring on my fire and malcontent
Hate is my vacuum, this house a black hole
Mix them both together, this setting is getting old
There is no place for me
Have I exaggerated, I don't know
My home is a controller
but I've picked it up 7 times tonight to no avail
It keeps me busy, distracted, focus
my only focus has been on how miserable I feel
so off to sleep, keep the demons at bay
what I would say but sleep hates me today
Sleep is not coming, sleep does not wish me well
Where is this place I fell
the taste in my mouth says water please
my throat is dry now, can't you tell
from what, I don't know
I just don't want to go home
I pick up this controller, I know way too well
I pick up to put it down
My gosh, isn't this swell
My home is something to turn off and on
It's not a person or place
All the things I used to find comforting
I find a disaster to my health
but I can't move, I can't run
too many things I got to do
Is this only me, are they happening to you too
What else am I supposed to do
I've done all I could, my straws are running out
What can I grasp onto
I'm running out of space, I'm running out of room
I don't want to run of time
I don't want to be here alone with my thoughts
I'd talk to my girlfriend, the future I'm running to
yet talking benefits me not
not in these moods, so I chase stars
stare at my ceiling, hoping it'll move
so I can fly, a straight shot
onto the moon and talk to the man upon it
so he and I can be friends, never be alone
Yet the blank canvas of the ceiling
Man, I hate that view
It's just shadows bouncing off the lamp
I'd turn off if I wasn't so afraid of the dark
the pitch black kind, where I can't see what's in front of me
Sorry for rambling, this is for my sake
To keep talking, a brief second to breathe
For if I stop now, my thoughts will surround me
and lord knows I hate to be all alone with
Me...