Stay Alive Forever Poem by Andrus Cassian

Can I...how dare I ask this
Is it for the wrong intentions
How dare I ask this without sounding
conceited, overconfident, apprehensive
Well...what's there left to lose
Can I, can I stay alive forever
Immortality is not my desire or a request
I just want to make sense of this life thing
try as many times as I can to make it right
My chronic disease has returned
my surrendering to these ideas, images, doubts deceiving myself
believing Myria would betray, change sides on me
Dear sweet Myria..I'm such a fool
an idiot, diabolically convoluted; slow minded
to think she may, to think she may...impossible
No, no not impossible, incomprehensible
either way, I'd rather it not be my reality
let alone cross my dreams
I have never felt so low as long as I've known her
She's been the center of my attention
and I find myself searching for the things I love, adore about her
the things which cause her to flood like rivers
so I can be the force which can turn the flood into a rainbow
the things that cause her to smile, laugh joyously
so I can be the ray of sunshine brightening her beloved day
showering her with as much love as I can bear to give
in an attempt to prove my worth to her and also to myself
so I can know I haven't drank the same elixir
sitting on the tongues of countless lustful men I greatly loathe
Simple irony, I know it's human anatomy
to loathe something and from time to time
become the dastardly thing
It's a flow in need of remedy
a repetitively lost battle only because the winner is unsure
I believe I'm slowly losing her, it's hours before I hear her words
It's like a switch clicked and roles reversed
I'm tempted to say anything, to get her opinion
but I have a feeling she realizes the same thing
Day after day, I'm completing my mission
showing her who I really am: a loser, a freak, an outcast
a peasant before this magnificent queen
Why I place myself on such a level
exalting a woman higher than myself
I will never understand, can't fathom the thought
I am fumbling, weak; a weakling
Trust issues, I need to work them all out
How possible is it to reconstruct
an impossible five thousand piece puzzle
All I need is focus and faith, trust in Myria
Myria...I cannot deny I love her, my latest confession
but perhaps I really don't, AHHHHHHH!
How dare I doubt and denounce it
perhaps I, I just care too much
but I'd rather care too much, feeling the blunt of ever blow
than treat this how I treat school: without a care in the world
She's important to me, meaning just about everything
the secret I keep, the iodine in my drink
the drug-like addiction which has drastically affected me
I need to get my head on straight, stupidity is the crime awaiting
I don't want to give us a reason to split
going our separate ways after everything she's done for me
Myria...my beautiful blue rose, the echo my mind outlines around the one I call mine
the root of why I feel human, down to Earth, weighted by gravity
Alive, invincible, indestructible, hopeful
afraid, doubtful, confused, lost
Myria...Myria...I love you...
Can I...Can I just stay alive forever
just this once...just this once...
for Myria....for Myria...Myria...