Speaking Chinese English Poem by gershon hepner

“When I grow up I want to be
a foreigner, ” declared the Chinese boy;
sound like the Jew who tries to flee
his ancient roots and tries to be a goy.

For Chinese, “I am bored” denotes:
“Are you inclined now to make love with me? ”
I also put “I’m bored” in quotes
before I show a girl my bedroom key.

The question: “Do you want to go
to see a movie means, “Do you agree
that we’ll have sex? ” Although you show
your hand before you do, you split the fee.

The Chinese say it’s wrong to spit,
forbidding littering with harsh decree,
but re Tibet they talk bullshit,
which untranslated means Tibet is free.

Mike Meyer (“Learning to Speak Olympics, ” NYT, May 25,20008) described the Chinese attempt to have 25% of Chinese speaking English before the Olympic Games in August:
I live just south of Tiananmen Square, on one of the city’s hutong, or narrow lanes, in a decrepit courtyard house shared by several families. Since 2005, I’ve volunteered at the neighborhood’s elementary school. On the first day, I found blackboards decorated with chalked Olympic mascots, the five-colored rings and verses in Chinese:
The Olympics will be held in 2008
Our civic virtue must be great!
Spitting everywhere is really terrible
Littering trash is also unbearable
To get a “thumbs up” from foreign guests
Beijing’s environment depends on us!
The textbooks are similar to those the students use to study Chinese. There are no proficiency levels, so the best students slide toward “average” competency. The questions ask students to repeat rather than analyze, evaluate or create. Isolated words are stressed over complete sentences, and students often cannot relate to the terms. When Mocky explores careers, he considers becoming a farmer, a doctor, a nurse, a pilot or a dancer. After injuring himself while trying to juggle, he comes to respect veterinarians and decides he wants to be one. But when I asked my students about their aspirations, the first boy yelled, “When I grow up, I want to be a foreigner! ”… So just what are Chinese people learning about the English-speaking world? For starters, we’re moody sluts. A book called “Love English” teaches that “Do you want to go to a movie? ” really means “I’d eventually like to have sex with you, ” while “I’m bored” really means “Do you want to have sex? ” The final entry in “50 Selected Love Letters Between United States Presidents and Their Beloved” is from Monica to Bill, and introduces the adjectives “disposable, ” “used” and “insignificant.” The police,60 percent of whom are supposed to be competent in English in time for the Olympics, study from a book called “Olympic Security English.” Dialogues called “Dissuading Foreigners From Excessive Drinking” and “How to Stop Illegal News Coverage” introduce useful phrases like “Don’t pretend to be innocent.” Fourteen countries border China, but the only characters from neighboring regions are Muslims with names like “Mohammed Ali.” One culprit is apprehended while robbing an American’s hotel room, “because my family was killed when the United States bombed Afghanistan. I became homeless and I hate Americans.” My best student is the local constable, Officer Li. He approached me about a private lesson in English vulgarities, “so I know when a foreigner is cursing me.” We met over dumplings. As the rounds of beer kept coming and other customers turned to stare, I compared Officer Li to body parts, told him what to do with himself and appraised his mother. He nodded happily and asked for more.

5/25/08