Riptide Poem by Nicola Thoner

Sucked under

Spat out

And thrown around

Nothing more than a drop in the ocean

With waves crashing over my head

Beaten up by force

Til my eyes are red with tears

Sanctuary becomes war zone

Fighting for life

In vast nothingness


I can still taste the salt in my mouth



Come with me

She says

Draws me in with promises of freedom, unveiled secrets, weightlessness

strength


And I go, a lapse in judgement

A need for freedom overcoming fear

Overcoming rationality

I felt the waves pull harder.

Still I went.

Come closer.

One step more.




Suddenly,

violently,

Pulls me out

Where my feet reach for something solid

And touch only water

Panic.

In the eyes of those near me.

I'm further out than they.

Something's wrong.

With no control

Except my breath

I inhale deep

Before being sucked under completely.

Wave after wave

Crashing upon me

Each one more violent than the last

Beaten up by force

Til my eyes are red with tears

I don't know which way is up

Can't open my eyes, can't move against it, can't breathe

Blind, stupid

To endlessly let myself be taken by the wind

Drawn to any tide that beckons me out




Struggling to find the light

In a place so dark as this

Silence.

Finally

Surfacing recklessly, urgently

against the waves

Just keep your head above the water.

In one instant I see the shore retract

My head dizzy

Swallowing air

Wiping my eyes to see

Instinctive thought:

I need to get back

Why?

My heart wasn't racing

My mind was quiet

I was breathless out of survival

Not fear

Interrupted.

A life board appears next to me.

Don't know if it was the sun in my eyes

Or he had a glowing light around him

'Want a lift? '

'A lift would be nice.'

Three failed attempts to board the boat.

'Lie down' He says

'It's over.'

It felt like three seconds

It was 20 minutes.

A little embarrassed, ashamed and humble

He takes me back

'Don't be embarrassed.'

Thank you. I smile weakly.

What do you say to someone whose just saved your life?

I walk away quickly. Hiding my shame

Shame of what?

Victim of circumstance.

It was deeper than that.

Vulnerability, humiliation, object needing to be saved.

Dazed, I run to familiar ground

Safe, solid, heavy ground.

Is that it?

Is that what I'm living for?

I don't look back at the sea.

I don't cry or laugh.

I hug my aunt and do nothing.

Sit in the sand and watch the ocean for a while.

Stirring something inside me.

That wanted to be carried out with the waves.

That had no desire...


The act of him saving me

From nothingness

From endless pulls of vast blue.

Thrashing endlessly.

What I owe him

What he owes me

For taking me away from the nearness of death.

This life.

It's the desires that keep us holding on.

Hooked ourselves into so many attachments

We forget

That we have nothing.

We are nothing.

There is no control.

Let it take you or do your own thing

But in the end

Once you're out there

Everyone tastes

the salt in their mouth.