I Am Waiting.... Poem by Julia West (julesx 64)

I am sitting down scrunched up,
Knees bent up towards my body, arms around them,
Pulling them tight into my body,
Hands are over my eyes..... Too much pain....
I am small.... I am scared..... Feel paralysed.....

Like I am down a big hole as my world is dark....
No sunlight... not even through my fingers....
I AM WAITING....

Promises in the past, when I trusted too easily....
Of the great and impossible dreams... they lied....
I fell hard.... wounded....
Back in my emotional cocoon...
Back in the dark comfort zone.... scrunched up...
I AM WAITING....

Whilst in my place of darkness....
Feelings of paralysis and fear....
I become aware of a man sitting next to me....
How can that be so? here in my deep hole for one....
He is patient and kind, with gentle tone of voice... soothing old wounds....
We talk more... sometimes for hours....

After a time I notice that my eyes are covered with only one hand... eyes remain closed...
Fearful the other hand has dropped off.... I do a mental checklist....
Still sitting in the same way? .... Yes
Knees scrunched up? .... Yes
Still dark? .... Yes

Difference is that now I hold the hand of this man sitting beside me!
He shows me, with his love, it is safe to do so....
It feels right.... safe....
His hand and support are welcoming and warm....

His own life exsists a few miles away..... time is limited.....
Precious... like an oasis in the desert of life....
Still he sits beside, he embraces when can, his voice continues to soothe.....
I AM WAITING....

How can this be a rut? .... a hole for me, when he sits there too? ....
Holding my hand.... smiling with his heart.... crying at times with me....
I am still scared to stand up..... but that is ok!
Becoming more aware of this gentle man... happy to be there....
Our worlds totally joined by love and friendship...
I AM WAITING....

There are glimses of light through my fingers....
Rainbows after the storm....
We are us.... We are one.....
Life still scares me....
I have to learn to stand..... To feel my way in this new episode of my life....
Knowing that someone is there.... encouraging... supporting.... allowing independance.....

In the past I wanted someone to rescue me....
Now I know it must be 'me' that rescues me!
I AM STILL WAITING.....