Guilt? Poem by Dua Qadeer

I stood there alone, staring at the scene,
While cold struck across the night,
I stood there alone, staring at the horror,
While my nerves and throat felt tight.

I've made countless mistakes in the past,
Always being frozen to the ground,
I've lied countless times in the past,
Always letting out no sound.

I was slowly enchanted by the screams,
It's as if I was caught in a spell.
I was enchanted by the hopeless cries,
It's as if I was coming out my shell.

There was blood and guts,
The sound of knives slicing through skin,
There was sweat and vomit,
The sound of death was to begin.

I felt my nerves on fire,
With an unsettling feeling of blood lust.
I felt my senses heightened,
With a disturbing feeling of mistrust.

There were groans and panicked yells,
As if mad music whispered in my ear.
There was crimson, metallic liquid everywhere,
As if distorted paintings had appeared.

Being stuck between nightmares and fantasies,
I was left with a choice unwilling to make.
Being stuck with maniac thoughts,
I was left either to give or take.

I could be benevolent and merciful,
And let the miserable victim loose.
I could be ruthless and blood thirsty,
And let the victim slowly drown in abuse.

I knew I craved the deepest sense of control,
It was useless to deny my insanity.
I knew I craved the deep red staining concrete,
It was useless to deny my inhumanity.

And there were days I'd ponder my morals,
I knew what I was doing was wrong,
And there were days I'd retort with anger,
I knew deep down that my madness won.