Going Back To My Past Poem by VUSI CHRIS VENUS MALALA

A journey that I don't even know if I'll complete in one piece or I'll be broken down on my way there. I don't really know where to start because there more I look for answers there more questions I unvail. Who is going to answer me.


My life is just a rollercoaster itself. Its like a web with all the networks. There's quite a number of events when I was happy but it's like they were all buried with my mother or maybe with my brother? What happened to my father? That crazy uncle I never had. I had love but what happened to it and the people I cared for, my conscience, where is it. How many poeple have died and yet I thought I don't care because my mom is there and I have everything? What about all the other girls in high school, was I drunk the whole time was in those relationships? What about my cousins? I think I don't really care but the truth is deep down I care just don't want to be hurt.

Is it true that everything I have is second best? What is it that I don't want and why I'm I so vicious? What happened to my twin brother? How many people know about him? What are the Doctors and Scientists saying about me, my world and the people in it? Are they also descendants of Apes? Whats with My heart? Why is it not on my left? How is it that I'm using both my hands and others use one.

I'm going back.
where are my roots, ngingubani mine, ngibuyaphi futsi ngiyaphi.

what are my principles, what are my goals, my objectives and my visions?
who is it that I'm loving do they love me back? What about that one girl I sincerly love, does she love me like I do? What about loyality?
what are my strengths, my weaknesses?
what is it that I have in life or I'm just another puppet of the system.

Journeying back in time to find the things I like, the things I value and the things I treasure.
What is death, when am I going to die and how? Would it be painful?
Who will be there and who would be the last person I see.

Journeying back to discover my future. What is it in for me? Happy family? Big house or what?
Just not wishing to live that ostentetious life but what is important is having the things I need and live my life happily.


Taking time to thank everyone from my grand parents, my mom, brothers, and aunts though not all are good people, my friends, the extended family and my friends.
I lived both lives; Rich and poor, fell and rose, fought, lost n won, died and resurrected.

Journey to my past connects me with many things but the questions are still not answered. I'm counting my blessings and setting up praises to my Maker. Happy is he who had attained everything in life and mantained it.
I'm not looking for pity I'm done with that, I'm not looking for money and I'm definatly not looking for you but at the glimpse of my mother my heart smiles.
I went beyond the boundries and aparameters of death to get to this and now what I want is a subtle relationship with me. Got to love my heart that is sweet, love my sisters, brothers and neigbours as commanded by God and live my life. I have survived the worst to be the best and guess I can migrate and beat the rest.

As always, the quest for the truth yields questions and not answers. Firmly I stand against my psychologcal labour and shall I feast in the knowledge of liberation. Going back to the year I first fell in love, the time I first held you in my arms