Winter Of 1986 Poem by Russel Grawols

I didn't come out here to freeze. That's what I said to you in the cold winter of 1986. You had seen the way I walked and the way I tried. I don't think you were there to keep me going. You were a steady wind blowing on my flame and I refused. You kept shouting at me to get on a plane and head on home. I don't belong here. That's what you said to me. You don't understand I cannot give up now. I would have to explain I was wrong in plenty of ways, I am a fool. I would have to apologize to those that I have wronged, that it was me who got it wrong. I would have to go back with a frown worn out on my face that is nothing but a mute expression that says nothing to those who watch it.

I would have to look at myself with realized eyes. I would hide from my own reflection and I would find solace in my own land of fantasy. Until your words broke me and I was but a fall leaf, shifting prideful color and falling to the ground. I would have them find me hanging, frost bitten and a heart devoid of life.

I didn't come out here to freeze. I didn't come out here for any of that. I will see this to the end because I want to. Every little ounce of pain in my body is but a reflection of my effort to keep going. Yeah it hurts; you've seen it in my eyes. Yes, it's nothing I would wish on someone; you've heard me say that. You're no help either. You stab away at me and fire your gun.
I deal with the stress that comes with this. I don't deal with the pain of you. One of these is a pain that I chose and that I will bear. I refuse to take you as a load. I will bite the cold bullet that wedges against my teeth, fired from your little gun. My teeth will shatter as I feel your words cut deep into my mind. I think I'll laugh. I'll keep laughing and wipe the blood off my mouth. I will feel the bone shards that are lodged in every gum line but I will manage a grin. I'll walk by you.

You and your little gun that tries to bring me down, I don't care for it.

As I walk by your frosted shell of a soul, I'll whisper to your ears with your bullet, flattened and on my tongue. I'll flick it back with what I told you.

I didn't come out here to freeze.