So Very, Very Close Poem by Mike Griffith

Oftentimes I feel
So very, very close
To what I falsely believe
Is some correct reality
That normal folks experience
In their normal-folks-lives.
In other moments,
Fleeting moments...
I forget all else
And temporarily believe
That an enduring happiness
Is permeating my being,
Only to be defeated
As my normal self
Reappears...
Again.
And again and again and again.
There is,
however,
A sliver of belief
That I hold dear,
That actual joy
Is truly within me,
Permanently
A part of me,
Residing in me,
And that I just
Need to see it,
Need to be it,
Need to feel it,
Need to accept it...
That maybe...
I just need
To let it in.
Damn this wretched wall
That's been built so high
Around my deepest parts.
Damn this old wall
That has turned away
Beautiful friends,
Broken warm hearts,
And stolen my life.
Is there a sadder disease
Than the invisible one
Which can only be measured
In degrees of heartbreak,
Levels of darkness,
And in the quantity
Of broken dreams
And unrealized potential?
Or am I
Just
A selfish ass,
As some have said,
That just needs to
'Get over it'
And live
In each moment?
Years of self doubt,
Lack of confidence,
And endless vacillation,
Create a momentum
Of dark enertia
That is decidedly
Hard to stop.
Having said all that;
I'm here now to state that
Regardless of the allotment
Of earthly time
That remains for me -
That I'm forever committed
To not giving up,
To tearing down that wall,
To seeing the other side,
To be becoming 'me',
To letting others in,
To love and be loved again.