Kumud Ranjan

Rookie (8th July / India)

Relationship


They say it does work or not
Hasn’t got any way in between
Not a belief dwelling in mediocrity
It’s like the calm night or sweet dawn
Like to live with forever or be unseen

Customary it is, but like a ship in tempest
Snared alone somewhere far in ocean
Any fragile moment there’s chance to fall
Helpless you’re, screaming for help but a mime
Lost in the mist, echoes faint, vanishes shadows

Even a single moment will keep you apart
From one whom you love most in life
A mere mistake would make you crawl
Into a world for you full of strife
And would leave you ever to howl

It’s not you earn a lot for your beloved
Not all illusive ornaments you provide
A relation means you be there always
You give enough space and time as well
When needed you walk side by side

Everyone faces blues in his life
Even in palace, sometimes light get dim
Even sometime sun is hid amidst of clouds
What matters you lit up a matchstick
For one you say”I want to live with”

“I care for you” does that make any sense
Or a game of simply some alphabets
Its relationship dear not a fear
It’s your wish to adore not bearing
You cuddle thee if one feels insecure
Wake up in nights so that she sleeps
Clear the street to let her walk careless
Even in disguise, her you tenderly caress
Is what from you a relationship demand?
Not the dry words that make you smart
All idiots say “I love you” nowadays
Love should pour from your eyes honey
Your actions that make her feel pleased
Not by show offs and handfuls of money


This is relationship my friend, guess what
Nothing matters if in you there is devotion
No dilemma nor doubts or place for confusion
Else you would trap yourself to the world
Where no relation is there, but only seclusion!

Submitted: Thursday, August 13, 2009
Edited: Monday, May 30, 2011

Form:


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  • Rookie Mimi Brown (8/28/2009 7:22:00 AM)

    Although your poem needs some a bit of editing, your feelings come through. Revisit the poem in three months and see what needs to be modified. That process has always worked for me. Good luck. (Report) Reply

  • Rookie E DM (8/20/2009 3:39:00 AM)

    Dear Kumud, I agree with the other commentators regarding the honesty and the depth of your feelings. However, I suggest that you hack your poem to extract the 'diamonds' in it. By this I mean that there seems to be far too much prose in it and a repetition of the same concepts in many different disguises, i.e. it needs rewriting in a more concise manner. Remember not to explain the feelings but just hint at them and let the reader do a bit of work. Even if the suggestions are slightly vague then each reader comes to his/her own conclusion which might be different according to his/her different background. This is fine, especially if your message strives to be universal. I will be happy to comment on the next version. Good luck. Enea (Report) Reply

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