Not Today Poem by Stacy Brown

It happened to me a few weeks ago
I was just sitting there when unannounced you invaded my brain
My chest became tight
and my breath fell in to a shallow rhythmic pattern.
I wanted to Call you
I wanted to tell you of this unyielding feeling
that over took my body
So, with shaky hands, I reached for the phone.
The feeling intensifies,
and just before I dialed your number,
I put down the phone.
Not Today.
I was so unsure of this feeling that had engulfed me
knowing it could be the possibility of Lust,
I became afraid.
Afraid of letting you so deep inside me
that I may never want you to come out.
Letting you push my toward that threshold
and softly touching my Soul.
My thoughts now are filled with you
Your Skin, Your Lips, That appear to be
as soft as a breeze blowing through my hair.
I know its wrong, but I wanna feel you.
I wanna feel your strong hands gently caress every inch
of my trembling body.
And again, My heart begins to pound,
my breath, uneasy becomes caught in my throat,
and I reach for the phone
This time telling myself to quit acting foolish
and just call you,
So, I dial your number and just before I hit send
I cancel the call and put down the phone.
Not today.
There's something stopping me.
Maybe I fear the power of this feeling
or maybe I fear the rejection
I know you could put me through.
But still, so often I long to show you
to tell you
To let you know of this animalistic feeling
that enrapture my body.
To tell you how my knees get weak
at the thought of the places you could take me.
How with just one kiss in the right spot would cause me to be
enslaved to you, for just an hour, maybe two.
My mind climaxes at the thought of your strong body
laying on top of mine
Taking complete control, or maybe, Im allowing you too
This time, I dont move,
I just follow you, while you teach me things
I could only fathom in my mind
Taking me to places I never thought I could go.
Pushing deeper and deeper until
you hit the right spot
and I allow myself to release, and softly crumble to pieces.
This happened to me just yesterday,
sitting alone at my computer,
mindlessly playing games Ive played a million times before.
When without warning, my chest begins to tighten
my breathing steadies, shallow and slow
And again, the urge to call you over takes my thoughts
and I reach for the phone.
I tell myself not to be afraid
but, once again, before I send the call, its cleared
and Feeling defeated, I set the phone down
Not today, Just, Not today.