Not Everyone Can Be The Sun Poem by Leah Ayliffe

The most fascinating thing is happening to me,
These small realizations that maybe we make certain mistakes,
Act in certain behaviors,
Not in order to learn, change and alter ourselves,
But to wait until we find a place, find people
Who simply fit with those qualities that seem to lead to disasters in our youth,
Who will not take advantage of the flaws that make you, truly you.
There was you, this guy I would do anything for,
And I assure you, I did.
You said jump, I didn't even ask how high, I just flew right off the bridge.
I loved to have you as my only one, even though I wasn't yours.
I loved to have someone that I would die for. It was all so romantic in my mind,
Self-inflicted heartache that I thought it was the only reason to be alive.
Some sort of Queen complex, of believing I was number one, the one you run to and depend on after you were done with all your mistresses. Mistresses were usually her best friends and confidants.
It hurt sometimes, but most times I didn't care, because you held me on your line just tight enough to keep me hoping that someday you'd be all mine as I was already yours. You told me we were 'forever' - do you remember?
Years passed and I had been hit with a sudden change,
You kissed me and I did not want to do it ever again.
I didn't tell you, I didn't cause a scene or cut ties,
All I did was change the role that you played in my heart and mind.
I'll never forget that night when we were hanging by the corner store with friends,
You looked at me so intensely I had to say "What! ? "
And you looked so so sad. Didn't say a word.
What a marvelous bittersweet moment, realizing that my emotional absence had an effect after all.
Lesson learned - or so I thought.
Funny thing, you didn't speak to me after that night until so much time had passed we were strangers beginning again as old friends.
I spent years creating a self that I could depend on,
A true love within my own mind and soul.
Spent my time nourishing friendships and family bonds,
Reading, learning, mastering any art I could find.
I became everything I ever wanted, the kind of girl you could dream of maybe.
People would ask me why I never pursued any of the guys that showed attention to me, that told me I was different, beautiful, a rare breed that didn't belong in the party scene.
But they didn't know who I was before.
I knew, I knew. I know.
The girl who learned how to be happy all on her own,
Would surrender effortlessly the moment she let someone in again.
All that was built, crumbled, destroyed, and gone with the wind.
My two biggest fears contradicted each other in the most tormenting fashion -
To never know what it is to be in love,
To lose myself in depending on another person as a source of happiness.
Back to the beginning.
The thing that fascinates me now.
I haven't changed at all.
In my core, it's just what I want to do.
I love to love and adore in another,
To love to live for someone, and be the one to stay by their side when there's no one else around.
It's not exactly an attractive quality. In fact I loathe it as much as I've come to accept it.
I just think if you are the sun in the sky who gives her warmth and shine for free,
Who wants to spotlight the beauty of another person's soul,
Then that can't be a bad thing.
Not everyone can be the sun.
But I can.
For a while I began tormenting myself, bitter and angry that I hadn't truly learned my lesson,
That I have easily fallen back to being that pathetic girl who would do everything for nothing in return.
I think I was wrong.
Today I woke up and smiled,
The right people will not have it in their intentions to hurt or break my heart.
Or to play games just to keep me around to make them feel needed when they're lonely.
They will give what they can and love me in their own way,
Appreciating this strange desire I have to give away all that I can.
I smiled thinking about that.
I need to release the fear and doubts I carry about the path I'm on, because it'll always be exactly what I need.
Deep breaths, little steps towards relearning the dance of happiness.
I'm much stronger this time around the ring,
I don't really think I have to fight for anything, I don't want to be another player in the game to knock out.
I am confused and scared about one thing though -
how will I know?