nadia abduljabbar

(25/5/1957 / Makkah)

My Flying White Dolphin(To my father's lover, to my step mother, to my buddy; to Tuta)


The sunset
Of your days and eves
Is coming in no time,
The Owl-light,
Is so close;
It is going to cover,
Your spirit; your glow,
Your soul will float
In short,
Where to go?
You can neither flee
Nor come back,
How awful is my lack!
How terrible is the pain,
Nostalgia is shaggy;
It is piercing through,
No words are good enough
To tell about you,
We lived together;
In one home,
Under the same roof
We had fun
In one garden,
We smelled the same flowers,
Not for seconds,
But for years,
Memory adds to my awe,
You will be
In the hands of God soon,
Now, I am standing
Before you,
Hands in hands,
Hopeless, helpless,
Not knowing,
What I should do,
The severe disease
Has prevailed;
It invaded your blood,
Your chest, your liver
Your cracking bones;
It held your whole body
In its paw;
Under its control,
Yet your soul it could not reach,
It could not kill
You love for life.
……
All of a sudden,
Without intention,
A flash back
Takes me back
To the far past,
It is as fast as a phantom,
Its trace is lost,
Like that of a mirage,
It is sparkling like waves
On the surface of an ocean,
As if it were a colourful film,
That was going on;
I could hear and see,
You young and vivid again,
Your mirth and misery,
Joy and sadness,
Are back to life,
In my memory,
So mingled,
So confused,
They work like a balsam
On a deep wound,
I watch them happily,
And I almost see myself
Small and soft,
An innocent child.
……
A six year old
Delicate little girl
Was I,
And you were
A young laughing woman,
With a full rounded body,
Swimming were we,
In that big blue pool,
In the midst of our
Grand, green garden,
So clearly recall I,
Our laughter and jokes,
You, your eldest son and I
Were so merrily playing,
You were our
Flying white Dolphin,
On your back, we jumped,
Riding gaily and freely,
Asking for more
Freedom for more glory,
You never said no,
You didn't know,
How much I adore,
Your flights,
The fun we used to share,
Your sense of humor,
Your songs in the air,
That kind of ease
Was so unique,
You never hesitate,
To give love, to give care,
To a child, to a girl,
Who was not your own
But you did not differentiate.
……
Once we had a dream;
A reverie or so,
You dreamed of exchanging
Me with your own son;
To give him to my mum,
And take me instead,
You were desperately
In need for a daughter;
For empathy,
Did I fill that vacuum
For you?
In our shared reverie,
You would dream of buying
Many coloured gowns
For your daughter; for me:
Red, blue and green,
As a child I could see
Your visionary image
As if it were real,
It made me laugh happily,
It made me feel
How much you cared
For me.
Then I created innocently,
A nickname for you,
Tuta was the name,
To show my cordiality
……
I visited you in your solitude,
In your mature loneliness-
Mother wished me to do so-
Was your seclusion chosen or forced?
I never knew,
In my hands there used to be
Symbols of love:
Lavender flowers and lilac perfume
They matched with your surroundings;
The mauve sofa in your living room,
I took you to a nearby café
To drink 'café au lait',
Or to eat green food,
And drink pomegranate juice,
Your favorite drink,
It made you wink
At me saying you are fond of
The colour of amour,
I can hear up to the minute,
Your prayers for me,
You asked The Creator,
Not to let me suffer
As you do,
You never knew,
I have chosen as a friend,
Seclusion and solitude;
Your fears, loneliness,
And your sadness
Taught me indirectly,
Not to be afraid
Of fate and destiny.
……
I made my way to you
To say the last adieu,
My feelings were again
So blurred and confused;
I was happy for you,
You were finally free
From illness and pain,
Yet I was so sad,
I knew for sure,
I can see you no more
I kissed your cheeks, your feet,
People were so amazed,
How could I kiss
The feet of a corpus,
To me you were something else,
You were a queen; a bride
Lying on white linen,
Not a shroud,
Surrounded by fragrance,
Finally you are a bride!
As you used to dream,
Oh how many a dream
Used to glow in your mind
In your words
About parties and weddings,
My bride is in her sixty,
She never knew,
The meaning of passing seasons;
Of passing years,
I whispered in your ears:
I was your daughter,
And will always be.
……
I went to the grand mosque,
I cried a lot,
And murmured to myself:
'Who will remember me as I remember you'?
At night you came
To me in a vision,
Wearing a light green gown,
With a glamour
In a colour,
Like that of pistachio,
Like a moonlight on the sea,
Beautifully adorned,
Something you never
Had even in dreams,
You kissed me and said:
'God will do, God will do'.
……
Months have passed by,
Your transparent green phone,
Was given to me,
So asked I,
By your eldest son,
After you have gone,
After you disappeared,
It has the colour of
Emerald your favourite gem,
It glitters like amber,
Like a rainbow,
It rings as
Water in a spring
Like your heart like your soul,
It still whispers in my ears,
This very phone used to be the link
Between us,
It makes me feel,
I still can receive,
A call from you,
Sometimes I forget,
That you had left,
And I expect to hear,
As I used to,
Your laughter, your words,
On my answering machine,
Saying you love to listen to
My recorded velvet voice,
It is a good friend,
When I am not close,
Oh you were not aware,
How much did
This kind of emotion,
Shake me
From within.
……
I still hear your gag,
You laughter at your suffering,
At our past quarrelling,
That was so rare,
They were so innocent;
Not destructive,
The kind of a sibling's,
Not that of a foe's.
……
In secret
We were friends,
Afraid of envy,
Hiding from jealousy,
Like children that
Are afraid of darkness,
We were so clever,
In concealing;
In not answering
To questions of curiosity
About our friendship,
Yes, I do confess:
I was the friend;
The closest buddy
To my step mother,
Against the wishes of Cinderella,
Against any silly fairy tale or novella.


Jeddah,1999

Submitted: Monday, March 25, 2013
Edited: Monday, March 25, 2013

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