Knowing Poem by Stephanie Boccia

Knowing that I might not have another chance to see her breaks my heart in two. Knowing that there might not be just one other day where I could hold her in my arms feels so wrong. Knowing that no matter what I do, or how hard I try, I can't keep her from fading out. Tuning out. Blocking me out. It's such a helpless feeling. Knowing that nothing for her will suffice. That there is nothing in this world that could keep her here, at least long enough to see her bloom into that person I know she could become if she just stood out in that sun long enough. She likes the dark. She embraces its shadows engulfing her every thought. She sits there, rocking back and forth, back and forth, like an unstoppable force is turning her into some kind of screw-loose nut. She has no control. No desire to try. No want or need or care in this world to live. She craves for the 8 feet below surface. She hungers for more. For more than what she could ever imagine. She spins that pen across that tear-drenched paper. Watching thoughts, memories, sentences, soar through her tangled of a mess mind. Writing it all down, but comprehending not one word. It's all a blur, a disarray of colors and shades and letters. Cluttered into a closet jam-packed full mess of disorder. Not knowing how to spell, how to react, where to turn, who to tell. Not knowing. She rips open her eyes to only shut them once more after fearing her shattering sea at shore. Seas of waves invade with the glass of searing pain. To capture a ray of light is all she needs. All she needs to make it all go silent behind her stone cold eyes. But sometimes finding the light, means you must pass through the deepest darkness. Knowing there's nothing more I could do. Knowing that everything you once had is lost, never to be found again. Knowing, can sometimes, if not always, be a curse. Because knowing, that I am that girl, in those dark dark shadows only pains me more to see what I look like on the surface.