If You Only Knew Poem by Joanna Hamilton

You shouldn’t have this power over me
It’s been far too long
For me to react this way
Every time I see you,
Shaking and shivering
My heart breaking,
Aching deep inside my chest
So much so that
I fear I will split in half.
You think I’m angry,
But I’m just hurt.
You apologize because you think I’m mad
But I’m in such pain
I can’t even be civil.
You know I’m not like this
But I can’t help myself -
I believed you,
I trusted you
When you said
“I really like you”
I told you that
I thought
You were full of it,
But really,
I wanted to believe every word
You ever spoke to me.
Do you know
After a time your mind
Believes a lie to be the truth?
It’s poor defense for my behavior,
But it’s still true.
I would do anything to help you,
Anything to make your life easier -
But you turned your back on me first.
You left first.
I would still help you
Though it kills me inside.
I wish it was different,
I wish I didn’t regret it,
I wish I still wanted to know you.
I don’t mind hearing her talk about you -
I’m fine with listening when she needs an ear.
It’s seeing you that bothers me,
It makes my heart pound in my chest,
Ache as though it were breaking.
I don’t know if I love you.
This is different than before.
My love for James was
Comforting, gentle, caressing
Loving, kind, caring.
What I feel for you is
Passionate, wild, crazy,
Painful, jealous, and cruel.
You’re a risk that I’m not sure I can take again.
Once upon a time
I thought you were worth it.
Now I’m not so sure.
I’m sorry that I believe this now,
But this is me.
What’s left of me
Since you left me.
You don’t even know you left me.
You never meant a word.
Just tell me it was all a joke
So I can move on -
So I can heal -
So my heart won’t
Try to kill me
Every time I see you.
So maybe we can be friends again
So maybe we can be
Okay.
So maybe I won’t die alone
Because I’m hung up on something that never was.
Unrequited love – or lust, as the case may be –
Is the most painful
Thing I have felt:
Worse than the rape,
The cutting,
The broken bones,
The bruises,
The man you unknowingly saved me from.
This pain is so much worse.
Something I’ve never felt before.
I know you’re no good for me -
My body tells me so -
My racing heart,
My trembling legs,
My mind telling me to leave,
To run as fast as I can,
To get away from you
Because you will kill me.
Because seeing you is killing me.
I hate the way my body
Betrays me.
I want to be your friend.
I want to be able to help you.
I want to be kind to you.
But my heart will kill me
Because it hates you.
It knows you’re no good for me,
And it will kill me
To make its
Point.
You’re too much of a risk,
I’ll die.