I Stopped Poem by Vianka Polis

My angel whispered into my ear
He attempted to beseech on why his child endured such a great deal of misery
I bid to him that I gravitated with the sadness
The head-most instance my heart brindled was the moment you left me
The affliction was indescribable
I prayed for all the anguish among myself to reacquire you once again
I pleaded to sense oblivion to feel everything
I stopped going to class because it was discombobulating to discern the hopelessness in my eyes
I started smoking because it exhilarated my frigid veins
I stopped opening books because my imagination deteriorated with your last breath
I started feeling buried to feel viable
I stopped caring about the ones who loved me because I dissented to love myself
You were the light who was supposed to adore me
How do I advance when there's so much left uninstructed
There's so much you never had the chance to witness, my dear guardian
You were absent at the birth of your forsaken grandchildren
The oldest child bears your diamond blue eyes
You won't be present to view me graduate and circuit up those steps in my cap and gown
You can't even anticipate me walk down the church aisle with tears in your oceans
We fostered a dog and I beg pardon because you announced you'd visit again
I still replant your marigolds and it deadens me because you always waited for me to assist
I apologize that you can't help me this time
I ensure you I'll nurture your favorite flowers
I wear your heavy watch even though the time ceased to tick
Time still keeps on advancing even though the hands refuse to budge
Life is going on forward but I keep on begging it to go backwards
I climb the highest trees but no one yells at me to stop anymore
My body fills with incautious untreated injuries
I know I stumbled upon a soul-mate I wish to awake to, but you haven't approved yet
Although I'm his queen I forever will be your princess
I keep on losing because you were the man who allowed me to win
We don't pay for cable anymore because you aren't here to watch with me
I don't know what's on the news anymore because there's no one to translate to
I drank your sealed bottle of Jack because I felt as empty as the 2 liters of whiskey
It burned my throat but not as much as the words that I spit out at myself
I forced myself to drink it neat because you passed your genes onto me
I know I acted like your son but you should really see me in a dress now
I'm practically a woman now with my body and soul
You always told me that you'd teach me how to drive your car when I was old enough
The family sold your white old-mobile for pocket cash when it should have been mine
I turn the wheel without looking sometimes hoping to see you sooner
No one wakes up early anymore to grab Costco samples
I make myself my own breakfast now without burning my hand
Grandma barely smiles anymore without her aggressive lover
She smiled at my future husband when she saw a piece of you in his eyes
I stopped stealing because the drawers were wide open
Now I sleep in a bed big enough to fit the entire family
The new couch is way too comfortable for comfort
I'm sleep deprived because I'm scared to feel that luxury you couldn't afford
I rummage through the trash sometimes to remind myself of the troubles you endured
You made everyone happy when we couldn't afford it
Now that we can afford most things we're sadder than before
I wish I could ask you all the questions I was too innocent for when I had the chance
I'm not as patient with anyone the same way I was with you
I mastered being reserved because you were the one who listened to me earnestly
I relinquish you from your anger because it courses in my blood
It's so desolate at night now that you aren't wary over me
I'm petrified to be alone with my consciousness
I forgot how to swim because no one takes me to the pool anymore
Now I implore people to reiterate themselves more times than necessary
I'm expending my hearing because I listen to my music loud enough to drown out the screaming in my head
I refrained eating my vegetables when I beheld you in that state
It's burdensome to be a martyr while I apperceive no comparison to you