Going On Fifteen (A Grounding's Reprieve) Poem by Helen Bauman

It was a hot sticky summer romance
Whose glory dimmed;
Upon return to school - and Father's edict.
Wise - knowing me, - as he did.

The cinema thing was quite her thing,
And I: chaperoned;
Altho' supposed girlfriend by all accounts,
Was caught in the crossfire -
Between her defiance of her husband,
Or was it just lack of regard, or weakness?
Her complicity with the amusement.?
-To my embarrassment -
Of the game, that held me in high esteem.

That I did not expect.
That I did not want.
That I did not need.
Not now I was settled again,
Back at school and sensible.

Older, study free and puckish,
His friends had time I did not have.
Time to play. Time to plan.
So I serenely smiled,
Trusting it would be okay
With Mother in front
In charge, I thought - - -
Knowing I would be background.

She ignored Father's will! !
Amused, Herself,
At the game,
that held me in high esteem
On my birthday.

She said "Yes." Supportive, she thought,
Of the vagary of youth,
Defied my embarrassment, my father's decree,
And boldly spotlighted her daughter,
While several groaned / including me,
for a moment.

But believing she'd assumed control
Letting it be quite her thing
Amused, impressed at this charming play
I conferred, - agreed.
And the message passed.
He came and asked: Permission please? -

Granted!
In innocent complicity I followed.
Mother, taking the heat,
That one and only time
Was leading me in in in
Tho' I assumed: ‘Out; with her support! ,
To a new set of rules, a safer game.'
As I walked innocently into the light
On my last free night.

But rules were quickly broken,
By male ardent haste.
Perhaps unnoticed,
Their meaning lost,
The lines of respect crossed!
Father alone slowing the pace.

As the light turned fire-like-oppression;
Jealousy, sexism, possession,
Conflict -
Beyond my schoolgirl simplicity
Consumed my energy, burnt my passion,
Sickened my body.

Ever rewarded,
With increasing ardour,
Eventual ferocity!
A fire I could not extinguish
Was sparked /
Off the light that terrible night.

Father silenced by two words:
‘She suffers.'
‘She suffers? But, this is the first...
I don't suffer! O oh…she says I must
I'm doomed.' I thought
To take this control Mother paid some dues
Caring for a daughter succumbed to those blues..

Almost consumed and completely surrounded
In cold sweat
I formed a plan that gradually evolved;
A deliberate escape to save my body and soul.

So - a PLAN;
Just plan A, not plan B
Could ever work, nor even C.

All my own, with secret rules,
Deliberate steps and clandestine forays
Into new options,
Patiently executed,
Broke the bondage and spirited me away
From unfittingness personified
To freedom and a new light.

Tho' a lifetime of trickery / the Incubus trailed;
Another hurdle to travail
In dreams I would have never known
If only Father had prevailed.


HJB 2000