Empty Inside Poem by Flora Xavier

the impelling emptiness inside is devouring. it feels as though my sole has been ripped out of my body and its never coming back. first john. i didn't want it to be like this. no contact. I'm dead to him. i wish i could change it all. i wish i could take back the things i said the things i did. but i can't. i hurt him and i don't know if i can ever forgive myself. someone as young as him didn't need to go the way i did. i just hope he's alright. and then theres charlie. my first real love. left me like the first time i guess ill never learn from my mistakes with him. but honestly i don't even know if i love him anymore. again its the emptiness that fills me. maybe thats why i get drunk all the time now or get high. maybe its the impending knowledge that I'm eventually gunna havta break up with paul. so many things wrong or just twisted with our relationship i just don't know if its more cause of me or him. the thought of being perfect doesn't seem that bad at the moment even though i will never come anywhere close. but just the thought of never knowing sadness or pain feels really good. then again i now believe that angels are more human then we realize and there supposed to be perfect. i wish i just knew what to do. how can i say i love someone when i don't even mean it. i wish supernatural was real so i could just be like sam and dean go out and kill monsters. then again their life if pretty gruesome. but in the end they have each other and a ice cold rack. its strange the feeling of emptiness. its like hunger when your not hungry. sadness when you shed no tears. anger when theres no one to be angry at. put that all together with happiness when there is no reason to be happy. there are no words for it really. just empty. i with school was starting already so i could just get away from here and to my future. hopefully by then the emptiness will be filled with something. hopefully