Diamonds And Dogs Poem by Billy Henderson

I bought ma wee mutt for a tenner. The ring it was nearly two gran’
She’ll empty ma purse if ah ken ‘er, Ah’m putty in her very han’,
But ma mucker informed me on Sunday, “Tell her Tam, who wears the trews”,
So ah plucked up the courage on Thursday, and thought ah wad gie her the news.
Ah’m naw a great lover o’ violence, but her right hooks were really intense,
Instead of weekends playing snooker I should have took up self-defence.
I wrapped masel’ intae a bundle, as I drapped like a stane tae the flair,
And I managed tae throw her a nonchalant smile, while kiddin’ on it wasnae sair.
Well that only set fuel tae the fire, she began tae let fly wi’ her knee,
Well the screams could be heard in Kirkcudbright, but they wurnae fae her, it was me.
Ma wee dug was barkin’ his heid aff, cuz his maister had thrown in the towel,
He flung himself at her bahookie, excreting a blood-curdling growl.
Wi’ his jaws locked onto her left cheek, like a dervish she flew wi’a whoosh,
As she moved fae the lounge tae the kitchen, wi’ the mutt still attached tae her toosh.
In a fit o’ pure feminine temper, the ring fae her finger she drew,
And she spat on it several times over, as into the corner it flew.
That seemed like a good time for action, as the wee fella’ let go his grips,
He flew tae the corner, took yin look at me, and picked up that stone wi’ his lips.
I think he knew what I was thinkin’, as I lay there, ma face smashed tae pulp,
With all things considered, he wagged his wee tail, and swallied that ring in yin gulp.
That did it for her, she was flummoxed, she was only made fool of the yince,
She grabbed her belongings, flew oot ma flat, and I’ve never caught sight o’ her since.
So now I’m just back where I started, I’ll fin’ someone else I’ve nae doot,
I’ve still got ma mutt, I’ve still got ma ring, cause this mornin the dear thing popped oot.
So you bachelors pray pay attention, if you think that you’ve caught the love-bug,
That diamonds micht be a girl’s best friend, but a man’s best pal is his dug.