Confusion Poem by Amber Mull

The confusion strikes me deep in my heart
where no one can go
and i cant bear to fight
the pain that you've brought me
each and every one
are the things that haunt me
and taunts me over and beyond
my understanding of this world I'm on
my dreams are horrific and full of fear
of my past or near future its never to clear
of which to embark
My mother is a child
who poured her pain on me
who taught me nothing of woman hood
and would never let me free
my father wouldnt let me think
or have my own opinion
he'd decide for me or make me cry in an instent
he tore me up put me down
made me do things without a frown
then my sister was a mean one
always treating me bad
taking advantage of my kindness
and rug mat like personality
then my brother on the other hand
just loved to make fun
and put me down or hide and run
while another exists but hes in heaven
and the fourth is a half
and said my silence
is my hatred for him
but really im just hurt from those kids at school
from the bruises i endured
and the teasings pushed my way
my friends were countless
as in zero
and life was dramatic
with the fighting and neglection
then the rape at fourteen
right after i became active
i used men as an excuse an escape from it all
because they really loved me? ?
yet would watch me fall
give me life then kill it all!
they filled this gap i longed to have filled
they made me feeling wanted
and better then real
being loved and wanted
needed and breathed was good for a while
but now im seventeen
this lifestyle ive had for three to many years
of permiscues behaviour
and an everlasting fear
it hurt me in the end so i dont know why i couldnt stop
they beat me and yelled
cut me and i fell
i cried and i begged
but they gaged me with a rag
tied me down or used handcuffs
always made sure they had there way
so i don't know why i went back
im not sure till this day
but i keep on doing it
after all there are some nice
who always make me feel loved
in a tender and kind way
but the family ain't so fond
of the choices I've made
of the places I've been
and secret life i have made
school during day then work or youth
a church on sunday and a kids club too
yet when the night rolled along
id sneak out for fun
or skip school
maby after work or for an hour
so now im left here alone
with my life falling apart
wishing for forgivness
yet addicted to this world
I'm not sure what to go
where to go or what to say
im trying live life
its going to be my grade twelve year