Treasure Island

Bashyam Narayanan


A troubled mind - 2


The female mind in me, recently in the limelight for wrong reasons

It took about twenty years of twice-married life
And about seventeen years of widowhood
For me to understand
That the femininity in me
Is still dormant and has the
Potential to strike me

Not that I remained free of
Physical intimacy with men
But, I was on the look out of a person
Who will be a good father
Of my only teenaged son
I exercised all cautions in deciding
The so-called life partner

It is also my understanding and felt-experience
That sexual desire gets kindled in me
By the looks and gait of the men I used to come across
And at times I was driven to physical pleasure
It is also my understanding that
Physical involvement and actions thereupon
Lead to a momentary satisfaction
Only to turn vinegary later

Further, the advancing age of my partners
Does not allow them to demonstrate an involved
Performance towards fulfillment of
The desires mooted in me

I feel that the sexual attraction in me
Is not abated
But sustained at the same level
As it was when I first realized that
I was physically matured

The turbulence of this quality of mine
Disturbs me so much that
I am weakly drawn to
The path of understanding myself
All my managing skills
And other human relation experience
Fail me
To see reasoning
When it comes to an attractive
Opposite gender

Till recently I was in peace and comfort
With my ways of living under the cover of widowhood
But now got drawn close to a man
Elder to me by seven years
Who has a greater appeal than most of the men I met
And also evinced interest in me
The femininity in me drove me into him
And I started being noticed by others as well
In intimacy even in public places
With this twice-married smart diplomat turned politician
Who assured me that he would take good care of me
And would turn a good father to my son
He is powerful, affluent and elegant
Which suit my ways of lavish living

Despite the fact that I have innumerable
Extra-marital affairs
My mind does not miss a chance
To indulge in such
Unhealthy thoughts
Whenever it happens that
I encounter a demanding male
All these leave me in guilt feeling soon after

Indian philosophers were quite aware of this
And scriptures repeatedly warn
Against indulging in sensual pleasures
And reorient the thought process
In seeking help from the divine
In pursuing noble thoughts and desires

Even great saints
Proclaim themselves as grave sinners
Probably because of
Such thoughts striking them
Though at far less a frequency
Than the way I frequent them

Having tasted, rather been indulged in,
All possible sensual pleasures
How I wish
The female mind in me
Ceases its domination
In my thought-creating process
And helps me stick to this
Latest commitment
Make my son a man of great character
And avoid similar embarrassment in future

Submitted: Monday, April 19, 2010

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