Bashyam Narayanan

A troubled mind - 1

The male mind in me, recently fallen to disgrace

It took nearly thirty years of twice-married life
For me to realize
That I have the masculinity not in my physique
But it is all in the mind only

It is also my understanding and felt-experience
That the attraction driven
Physical involvement and actions thereupon
Lead to a momentary satisfaction
Only to turn vinegary later

Further, advancing age
Does not allow an involved
Performance towards fulfillment of
The desires mooted by the stimulant

I feel that the sexual attraction in me
Is not abated
But sustained at the same level
As it was when I first realized that
I was physically matured

The turbulence of this quality of mine
Disturbs me so much that
I am weakly drawn to
The path of understanding myself
All my diplomatic skills
And other human relation experience
Fail me
To see reasoning
When it comes to attractive
Opposite gender

Till recently I was in peace and comfort
With my second wife
But now got drawn close to another woman
Who has greater appeal
And evinced interest in me
The masculinity in me drove into her
And I started being noticed by others as well
In intimacy even in public places
With this twice-married smart widow

Despite the fact that I have innumerable
Extra-marital affairs
My mind does not miss a chance
To indulge in such
Unhealthy thoughts
Whenever it happens that
I encounter a challenging beauty
All these leave me in guilt feeling soon after

Indian philosophers were quite aware of this
And scriptures repeatedly warn
Against indulging in sensual pleasures
And reorient the thought process
In seeking help from the divine
In pursuing noble thoughts and desires

Even great saints
Proclaim themselves as grave sinners
Probably because of
Such thoughts striking them
Though at far less a frequency
Than the way I frequent them

Having tasted, rather been indulged in,
All possible sensual pleasures
How I wish
The male mind in me
Ceases its domination
In my thought-creating process
And helps me stick to this
Latest commitment
And avoid similar embarrassment in future
For which this time I have to pay heavily
Losing my ministerial berth

Submitted: Monday, April 19, 2010


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