A Matter Of Wife Or Death. Poem by Billy Henderson

A MATTER OF WIFE OR DEATH
A wee bit of nonsense by Idlefrets - 07/03/16

So sp-r-r-rinkle me wi' angel dust, and tak' ma dentures oot,
Tak' ma name off ‘Ersebook', and throw away ma suit,
Dress me in ma V-neck Y's, plug ma lugs wi' mace.
Fling me in the wheelie bin and clock the scaffy's face.

1. The lassie doon in number nine gans oot wi' oor boy Den,
Naw that she's a throwback, she's been oot wi' ither men,
Ah thought wi' her complexion, he ca'ed her ‘Butter Face',
"Naw", says he, "She's a body tae kill for - - "but ‘er face".

2. Ah stayed at a wee French B & B, and tried hard to impress,
The mademoiselle was charming, clad in a gingham dress,
"Ouefs" says she, "Twa ouefs" says I, chuffed I'd got the knack,
She ventured oot wi' 3 eggs, so I gave her yin ouef back.

3. Why do we say ‘shut up', when we really mean ‘shut doon'?
What would aw the oceans dae, if we didnae hiv a moon?
Is a doo a dove da, or is a dove a doo?
If at first you don't succeed, skydivin's naw for you.

4. Ah've got a maiden uncle, he steis in Clifton Mill,
He's coortin' Bella Houston, and aft times Betty Hill;
He's partial tae a fillet steak, and the odd Dom Perignon,
And chants the bloodiest version that Ah've heard o' ‘Polly Vaughn'.

5. Peerie-weary whigmaleerie, han' me doon ma cane,
I'm off tae see ma protégé, a boy ca'd Ally Bain;
Deary me, fiddle-me-dee, a memory's aw a want,
But I'm lumbered wi' Bong Crisby, and occasionally Dec & Ant.

6. Come sing tae me the aul' sangs, but don't you mention God,
Sangs Ah learnt at schule like ‘Get oot o' the garden Maud';
I long tae hear Vin Garbutt sing ‘'Gilly Gilly - Whee,
Ossenfeffer Katzenellenbogen by the Sea.