2) An Epistle For Joshua - America (From Affine Tree) Poem by Otradom Pelogo

Each year I would tried to do something for them, whether it was buying them a book, letting them work on the computer, buying them toys that I thought would help develop a sport that they would like to indulge in one day; I figured if I were in Austin, and because we are a close family, that I would like to, even should help them with as much as possible. Especially when looking back in retrospection; seven and ten years from now, I thought then, when they would graduate from high school and begin to go out on their own, and look back, I would like to be able to have helped them and be able to have made some type of a difference; academic or moral investment in their lives; something I was thinking about when I started to keep a journal on them several years ago. When they would reach eighteen and nineteen, no matter what happened or what road they would take, had I done the little that I could to try and help them. As I said; Desiree was seven, three years younger than Joshua, and up until recently, she probably still does try to imitate Joshua, which is good, for Joshua is nice intelligent and respectful. And Barbara Jean; their mom kept as you would say, 'A close eye on them'. Therefore they can be good peer role models for each other.

The last time I was by my sister's place; which was about ten years ago; one day I woke up early; which when driving a twenty-four hour period, day after day and month after month, which I was at that time while driving OTR (Over The Road) , can either be early or late, and heard what I thought was Barbara Jean, my older sister getting dressed, but minutes later heard my mom say 'Joshua are you ready yet'; and about half an hour later heard him say to his little sister, ‘bye Desiree, which she doesn't have to be to school until eight o'clock because it's only a block away. She, my mom, usually gets up and watches Barbara Jean walk out to the car, as a safety courtesy; her husband goes to work just a little bit earlier, and thus, they, my mom, sister, her daughter and son are there alone; a house where women and children live, safety and courtesy becomes somewhat of a necessity and not a burden.

After hearing the name Joshua, I then looked out of the window; I had spent the evening before at my dad's place, had a couple of beers; we spend about an hour or two talking about whatever our minds can shed on the world around us, constructive thinking more than rambling, even after a few beers, and had come back late; picked up the much too long unabridged version of Herman Melville's Moby Dick and read until sleepy, it helps clear the mind; regardless I'm somewhat of a restless sleeper. Having woke up, hearing the moving around, the faucet from the restroom, seeing the lights and hearing the TV, which they do shortly after waking up, I'm sure to get things going before going out, like reading gets things going or rather slows things down for me after coming in; I thought it was about three thirty, then finding out that it was my nephew, then looked out of the window and saw that it was still dark. I think it was about five-thirty or six o'clock; from the 22nd of June until December the days get shorter and shorter and about a month from today, I think about Halloween or shortly after it, time in the western hemisphere falls back an hour. I guess the coming in late, the surprise of having or the lack of having a restless night's sleep, the shock of finding out that it wasn't my sister but my nephew, and seeing that it was still dark made it somewhat of a phantasmagoric awakening; enough of a jolt to get me onto the computer and start writing, probably for an hour or so; inspiration from a child heading out before sunrise is filled with adrenaline and humility, though I, shortly afterwards, fell back asleep.

We grew up in somewhat of a close and protective family; my mom and dad working either the graveyard or both shifts; my dad a truck driver, and I can account for the odd hours since the old white standard Rambler which he had, literally needed manpower, or rather children power, usually about four or five in the morning; a healthy push about half a block before it would decide to start, and after watching Dad ride off into the sunrise, back under the covers until school time. My mom working two shifts, sometimes going months, because of playing sports after school, without seeing her unless stopping by her work in the morning; I think that we would take turns going by every now and then when she worked in downtown Beaumont during the day at a place called Whitby's, owned by a nice short stout, probably Italian guy. Sometimes when Dad got home early enough in the evening, we would bring her supper at the university, where she worked at night as a custodian on her second job. I guess that's where I get the work ethic from, two jobs and five kids until retirement will no doubt have a major impact on someone. An entrepreneurial spirit as she would worked as a craft shop owner from the house on weekends and sold the merchandise which she created around town. And I guess that I can even accredit her with having the most influence on a perpetual passion for academics in my life, since she would bring books, that after the semester was over at the university the students would leave behind, for us to indulge in, though a lot of it didn't make since until twenty or so years later; the academic influence and the pages to probably an upper level physiology course book. Thus until the very day that Joshua had to walk outside in the dark to catch the bus; the city bus, although with other children, ‘each man's burden being his heaviest', was one of the few times that he went, as we say, out of his mother's site, though armed with more than enough words of caution.

We all have different selves: the cordial self, the quiet self, the outgoing self, etc., and seeing him one morning come in after having forgotten something, manifested a self that I hadn't seen before; though surprised, I was glad that it was a solemn self, studious and serious self, as I said, one that I had rarely seen; ‘the frock above the smock‘, as victor Hugo would say; and coming home in the evening after a long day, having become even more so conservative myself, though causing me to hope, even though I know that by now they are doing things that we had trouble doing when we were five years older; from Odom junior high where his sister Desiree went to school, to Ozen, the high school where he went, and wondered if I or the kids back then had that look; even the kids now, though I'm sure with the higher level of expectations that they have. We were far less solemn than the kids these days; well, some of us were. Is it the look of determination? Surely I wouldn't trade it for the one that we had thirty years ago.

One day I was looking at Joshua briefly before I had left, and had that picture of him stuck in my head, and one of those times when you can't figure out what's different about that person until you see them the next time. And when I went back by my mom's place and saw him again, for a moment I still couldn't figure out what was different; if it were the clothes that he was wearing or his disposition; which he did seem a little more quiet than usual, or what. Then I had to actually feel him to try and figure out what was so different about him; I thought that he had on clothes that were unusually big, but realized as I grabbed him that he had just gotten bigger, had gained more weight, or at the age of ten, going through prepubescence / (preadolescence) . I guess the sudden change of weight had me wondering since he and Desiree are only three years apart, and they for a long time, looked alike, talked alike, and acted alike; but 'by the same token' they were both beginning to take different or rather more individualistic paths, forming their own personalities to their unique characteristics that they were then forming. Joshua was reaching adolescence, and Desiree, creating her own personality simultaneously. Even now looking at pictures that I took of them sometime late that very year, they looked quite alike; Desiree gradually becoming less shy and seemed to be enjoying herself more; finding different things to do and entertain herself with. I saw the magazine that I ordered her on the table, so I guess that she enjoyed looking at it; and was thinking about getting Joshua one also. I just had to remind myself since it was an easy thing to do; order a magazine. Usually whenever I went there, especially lately, I ended up helping them with their homework. Joshua was having more homework because he was in the fifth grade; though I've always had a problem with math, I have, over the last year or so read through a couple of math books, so the concept, even if I've forgotten how to do the problems, with a little review seems to be easier to grasp.
Love, Poreris