johannes lewinsky

I cannot will not out of my
perpetual ruminations treatises make
interminable unintelligible
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they reek of possibility
these places where we meet
once and only
elide collide
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I cannot what it is
What it is assails me
This news assails
That he who i didn't
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How can you reason with this
Without appearing to argue
that being human
Is learning to be most
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It is alone i am
And when alone i am can
Explore be what am not
Permitted by all that would be
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If i have to this
That i am not be
Will be will do
What it is
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How many poker faced evenings have i stared at
Wondering feeling what it is i am supposed
To wonder feel how many leaves falling
How many autumns winters gone and been
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I wish i could
I would if i could
Draw this from out of you
This distemper plagues you
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How many do i pass each day
Huddled against the wind the rain and themselves
By their boots transfixed
Morose, and embittered
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All who fell for her knew
They were entering upon
an inferno from which
There was no escape until
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It is in the contemplation
Of end of life and incapacity
And being tied to the servicing
Of end of life and incapacity
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And how it is you teach me
From all that you haven't
Known or seen yet in you is
More than i have ever in spite
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He was touring the world with his violin
When he came to a stop before a sign
on the Usher Hall in Edinburgh
And was moved to read
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1
I have been what i am and can
And have and will and how i have
Found what it is to know and will
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She read to me Dylan Thomas
A Child's Christmas in Wales

With such ease and relish i realised
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I released a fly that had taken refuge
In the cd compartment of my ghetto blaster
And wondered how it got in there
Was it drawn by the music - Schnittke's cello concerto
...

This ‘modality of being' is curiously called a ‘dance' by essayist Martha Heyneman, in her book The Breathing Cathedral (1993) . She describes her experience as a zoology student at the University of California, when one day she was looking through a microscope at a section of a kidney, and she suddenly thought "I will never understand this thing by this method"....."When I tried to make clear to myself what I meant by "understand", the best I could come up with was that I would have to be able to dance the development of this remarkable organ from its origin in the fertilized egg to its maturity, and moreover to dance the development of the whole of which it was a part - and of the whole of which that whole was a part, and so on".. See Ritual in the Dark blog


And i realise how it is that all that i must and have
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"... now, at this moment, or any moment, we're only cross-sections of our real selves. What we really are is a whole stretch of ourselves, all our time, and when we come to the end of this life, all those selves, all our time, will be us - the real you, the real me. And then perhaps we'll find ourselves in another time, which is only another kind of dream" JB Priestley 1937 Time and the Conways

It's in the stretch between
The sinews bones
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‘I don't know if I had a dream or if the dream had me ‘ Tan Dun re his opera The First Emperor

And it comes to me
It's not in the doing
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It is in the breach that i have
Between the will that i have
And the need that i have
And the vision that i have
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