Why So Long? Poem by Betty Jo Hilger

I long used to wonder once I was grown
What would I be doing once my time had flown
Would I be a woman with reason to smile
Or would I be stiff and as rigid as stone

I would dream of the time when I could see heaven
Reflected in faces who loved only me
When I would be sheltered from all of life’s storming
And nothing… and no one… could crucify me

I had drawn up a picture and painted a vision
Of beauty… of loving… of sheltered perfection…
And clung to it, desperate, within my illusions
That I could escape this world of confusion

I focused on me… on myself… on what’s mine
Forgetting the reason I even had time
And failing to offer the slightest admission
That someone much greater than I had control

I struggled and foundered and drowned in the seas
Which swirling and churning wrapped tendrils ‘round me
But thought I was winning, and making the grade
While plodding and creeping, my dreams seemed to fade

I could not recall, and so disregarded
The heavenly light that hung overhead
And living alone in a world I created
Belief was perception… I saw what I said…

Until there was clarity one darkened moment
A moment in time I could no longer see
My footpath had vanished… had faded to nothing…
And realized, finally, I saw only me

And soft in the distance, yet seeming much closer
At last I had noticed the light in the gloom
I lifted my face to the warmth and reflection
Yearning and pleading, please take me home

The lesson I learned in my journey to Jesus
Was simple… was plain… yet, was so hard to see…
I could do nothing to earn my completeness
Salvation is given… accepting is free…