When I Am Void Of Sleep Poem by Ellis Slater

I can't sleep. It's 11: 47 P.M. on a school night. I am sitting here writing and begging my mind for some peace that I know will never come. But I suppose that being up for almost three days straight is better than sleeping without dreaming. When I voice that, most people are surprised, saying that they never dream. Rather, its not that they do not dream, just that they do not remember dreaming. I am so afraid of forgetting, so I stay awake with insomnia to keep me company. A night of rest means nothing if I "don't" dream, for to sleep without dreaming is to live life without a purpose. If I don't have a purpose, then why am I here, at 12: 01 A.M. writing my woes for someone else to read and maybe understand?

When I am void of sleep, it means that everyone else better watch out. I am lacking vital down-time for my body, so now I am achy, quiet, and insensitive. But even if I could sleep without forgetting, is it really rest if I cannot turn off my mind? I believe that the brain is the scariest part of me. But since I will not let myself forget my dreams, I can deal with my body twitching. Seizing up at the touch of warm air. Aching like I just ran a marathon I did not want to run. Except when I'm done, it's not just my body that hurts, but my head and my heart as well. While my body runs around daily trying to satisfy everyone's needs, my head swims through thoughts of what could have been, and my heart jumps over hurdle after hurdle for those that it loves, but since my heart does not love me, it's never for my own well being. I am doing a triathlon I didn't know existed. I know it's silly to ask, but still I must, why does everything that makes up me hate me?

I still can't sleep. It's now 12: 43 A.M. on a school morning. Looking at my page hurts my eyes, but keeping these thoughts inside will only hurt my head more. So I guess I don't mind sacrificing my eyes, they already don't work. Do you understand what I just thought? Understand the twisted way my brain works? This is me,72 hours in with only about 4 hours of sleep. I know I'm not taking care of myself, but I can't help feeling like its not worth it since the important parts of me hate me.

I still cannot clear my mind nor sleep. It's now 1: 16 A.M. with class starting in less than 7 hours. So I guess I'll sit here writing and begging my mind for peace that I know will never come.