Weekend Syndrome Poem by Andrus Cassian

Breathe in, breathe out
Controlled breathing, a mild sedative
At least I wish it was
It boiled over again, twice in 2 weeks
Will there be a 3rd, asking for a friend
Well a friend of a friend
A new record to document
Stress is happening faster than previously produced
And I've lost the time to shake it loose
So into the sky I scream, hoping to feel relieved
Standing tall, a converted mountaintop out of a sewer grate
Staring off at the place I hate
that lays adjacent to the place I must break my back to please
In that moment, I breathe triumphant
Am I victorious
No, I just feel cold and unsteady
Like I'm standing on uneven terrain while i now rest
seated in an empty hallway
Dangerously close to collapsing is this pathway
And I'm not sure if I should get out of the way or stand here
a deer in headlights
Breathe in, breathe out I repeat
Yet these words I'm simply not focused on become falling snowflakes
Cold and poignant, light to the touch depending on who hears
A joy to embrace
Though like snowflakes, prone to evaporating once they hit the ground
I just want to flee, want to run
Scream I'm free
Unfortunately, I'm without the opportunity
I've got 3 more hours of this day flying away from me
While the night steals the rest
as I'm left empty handed in this repeat cycle
This sick cycle carousel
I just want to flee
Fleeing is fleeting
I'll simply be back the very next day
hoping for a better tomorrow
While feeling like a balloon full of acid
Ascending into chaos and madness
Threatening to burst and burn
An asteroid in the atmosphere
Sadness and frustration
Didn't I want to work to escape it
despite how fast I run, despite how hard I try
as my body threatens to break apart
My efforts provoke anxiety to work against me in a mocking tone
"You are just not good enough
You will amount to nothing
You are simply inadequate, useless
Go away"
So I try, I try harder
To prove that dark voice wrong
Then I hear my name but not as my name
Said like an insult, aggressive and alert
Angry and profound like I should come to heel
Like saying my name would render me a dog
And I would stop all movement
Barking my intentions to follow orders
All it proceeds to do is piss me off
Cement my feet to the ground
A statue as tall as the Washington monument
Fighting the urge to kick and shout
To say, "YOU WILL NOT GROUND ME HERE IN THE DIRT"...
so life says turn around and I turn around
After breathing in as the ground stares back at my closed eyes
breathing out as faceless clouds stare back at me
Awaiting a howl that may or may not pass
While good days have passed
and I have felt better than I have in so long
I must confess I don't know what I'm doing
Have I ever really
I've proven my worth
I've succeeded here, I've found my groove
I've found my place
It just took a while to settle in, only I'm not settled
I'm still convinced at least somewhere in the hidden forest of my mind
It's a small voice, an ever so tiny voice
But it comes in loud and clear
It whispers so loud, I shudder
Wanting to howl at the moon
A wail so hollow and shallow
I am in pain but I only want the moon to console me
I feel so needy and bored
Like I need attention to prove I exist
I can feel my own skin, hear my own thoughts
I am tangible so I am alive right…
Can you hear me at all
If I ask a question, will you reply
Or ignore me like everyone else
I always feel like I'm in the way, in someone's way
When I'm only ever in my own way
I feel like I'm out of place
Like there's no room anywhere for me
Like I'm a round shaped object
Trying to fit into a pentagon
Attempting to sabotage myself so I remain alone
When I've said for so long
This island I live on, annex me to back the country
It's quiet and serene here but ever so lonely
I am lonely
I am not afraid to admit it, only to admit out loud
We are friends here so I don't mind telling you
But how do I voice it where I don't seem like I'm playing a role
I am lonely even in company
Although my company exists in only 2
On opposite ends of the country I live in
So if both are busy or sleeping
I'm scrambling to keep myself busy
As that tiny whispers grows into shouts
And I start to panic
I am panicking and I don't know why
I am panicking, can you help me
I am panicking, why am I panicking
I honestly have no real clue
I really have no idea
Surrounded by people everyday and I am so closed off
I'm just a mobile cage with an electric fence
Daring someone to jump over my barriers
Corner me, force me to come out of my own prison
Anything, anything to scare off these demons
telling me I won't amount to anything
That I will fail again, that I'll be alone forever
Scaring me into oblivion, I will fade into oblivion…
Will I fade into oblivion
*sigh* it's always the weekend
The weekend that always has me feeling the most useless
The most useless and pathetic
I have music as my anesthetic
A slumber while awake, to focus my thoughts with eager energy
Yet I fall and falter once I think too much
I think too much, these I think way too much
Taking up residence in my own head
where I should only vacation when the world gets too heavy
My head feels so heavy
This weekend syndrome
This weekend syndrome is pulling me under
This weekend syndrome is crippling me
Help me shake it off before I mutter under my breath
"It's starting to feel comfortable down here"