Ve Haf Vays... Poem by David Lewis Paget

'Why ith there thalt in the thea, ' he thaid,
'Why are there thtars in the thky?
Why hath an elephant got two tailth,
Why if he hath, haven't I? '

'Why hath a buth got four big wheelth,
Why hath a bike got two,
Why are you looking at me like that,
Like a monkey chained up in a thoo? '

'Why do you conthtantly thake your head
Whenever I'm athking you why?
Why do you thtutter and turn quite red
And anthwer me with a big thigh? '

'Thurely my Englith ith thimple and thtraight,
Ith eathy to underthtand,
Why are your fingerth thtuck deep in your earth
Like a man from Afghanithtan? '

'I'll anzwer zis kvezchun, I'll anzwer it vunz,
If only you vill zhuttup!
I've never heard zutch a commotion before,
Zutch zpitting and zpraying and zutch.'

'Your 'ezzez' confuze me, zey come out like 'zu'z',
Your kvezchuns, zey never mak zenze,
I try to tranzlate in zuh German I know,
But zomehow, you mak me feel denze! '

'I haf no idea vhy zhere's zalt in zuh zee,
Or vhy elevants have two tailz,
Or vhy you would vant to know zees ztupid t'ings
Ven ve Germans, vell... Ve haf our vays! '

'I vunder how Englanders vun in zuh vore
Ven zey are like you, talk like zis? '
'Thatth eathy, ' he thaid, 'we came up with a code
That replathed each 'th' with an 'S'.

David Lewis Paget