Unamused Poem by Janet K. Rauch

She used to hang around a lot. Especially when Indonesian clove smoke danced and swirled around my hand, in and out of me – I breathed it – and her. Where did she go?

Is she as bored as I am at this humdrum existence I'm stumbling through lately? Is she on vacation? Courting some other half-baked aspiring poet who's turning out reams of rhyme and reason while I lay in bed night after night, wide awake and feeling tearful because I can't find myself, my life or my muse?

I would ask for help, but frankly, I don't know what or who can help me. I am so blessed, but feel like I'm blowing it lately. I can't stay on task. I've yet to finish anything I've started and I'm constantly feeling overwhelmed. I can't sleep…yes, I said that, but it's true. And it's weird, because I can fall asleep anytime, anywhere without a problem. But now – I can't sleep worth a damn. It's 3: 38 AM and I am on the computer typing this. Why? Maybe I'm on a sanity search. Or that's the trouble…not enough insanity in my life lately. Insanity on my part, not others. I've been too straight-laced since I quit smoking. I cannot identify with who I've become. And damn it, my muse is avoiding me. I think this is what depression feels like. I've visited there before, but it's been a long time and I swore I wouldn't go back. Now it's paying me a visit instead. How sneaky is that?

Please help me…No, don't. Don't even try or we'll both be frustrated. I'll get through this eventually, and when I do, you'll know. I'll tell you when she comes back – when she cradles my head and my heart and my words start flowing like tears. Then I'll be back, too. And we'll write about how wonderful it is to be with each other, without Djarum, just me and her and the blank page.

It's 4: 11 AM. I'm going to try sleeping again. I want to dream and maybe she'll find me there. Good night and good morning.

(I quit smoking July 20,2008 and my muse left me. Since I originally wrote this, on Saturday, August 23,2008, she started visiting me again. By New Year's Eve 2008, she was back full force. Welcome back, Luna Muse! Life is beautiful again …Janet K. Rauch)