The Weird Bachelor Poem by Percy Dovetonsils

The weird and hopeless bachelor
is doomed to remain a bachelor
forever
because he cannot throw anything
away
and it remains with him
in his Ted Kaczynski shack
taking up the space
that a woman
might otherwise
occupy.

The weird and hopeless bachelor
never goes anywhere anymore
because he never has anyone
to go with
and what would be the meaning
of France or Ecuador or Hammerfest
in the Land of the Midnight Sun
without a beloved woman friend
to share it with?

The weird and hopeless bachelor
didn’t start out this way
but was once civilized
and seemed certain to end up
with someone. But those someones
are all gone
and he sits in his living room
with his cat in his lap
staring at his analogue television
and wondering what VHS
to fire up
tonight.

His last serious girlfriend
warned him
he’d end up
a sad and pathetic old loner
if he broke up with her
and she was right
but there doesn’t seem to be
anything he can do about it
now.

The weird and hopeless bachelor
has become set in his ways,
has embraced his solitude,
and tracks down the last
pockets of life in his life
like a mob of beaters
driving all the panicked game
before them
into the guns
of the hunters
who can never
get
enough
blood.