The Kitchen Gremlin Poem by C Richard Miles

There’s a fearsome little monster
That’s in your kitchen corner.
About the awful things it does
I think I’d better warn you.

It is the kitchen gremlin
That hides in awkward places
But, if you try to find it,
It vanishes without trace.

It sits beside the washer
And, as cunning as a fox,
Hops inside and has its lunch
On half a pair of socks.

Oddly, this little trickster,
Despite its appetite,
Will never eat the other one:
It doesn’t suit it right!

It teeters on the toaster
And holds the button down
And so your crumpet’s charcoal black
Instead of golden brown.

It performs a useful function
By tightening Beetroot lids
As it tries to save your carpet
From being stained by kids.

Its love of mathematics
Is quite misunderstood:
It loves to count the teaspoons
But subtracts one for good.

“Red is my favourite colour; ”
It really likes to think,
“I’ll mix some with the washing.”
So whites all turn to pink.

Its favourite place for hiding
Is inside the oven door.
It jumps out to surprise you
And spills food on the floor.

It doesn’t mean to harm you;
It thinks you should have learnt
That, if the gas is turned up high,
Then all the baking’s burnt.

For it has poor circulation
In its dainty hands and feet
And to ward off raging chilblains
It has turned up all the heat.

It knows when you’re away
And tries to save you money
By switching off the freezer,
Even though the food goes runny.

It didn’t really mean it,
Thought it was doing you a favour
By turning off the electric:
Think of all the cash it saved you.

It helps you with the dishes;
As you wash each plate and mug
It blocks the waste with gunge and goo
'Cos it thinks you’ve lost the plug.

It has a great sense of order,
Tries to keep your kitchen neat
By making sure anything that you drop
Ends up far away from your feet.

It surveys each hidden crevice
For suitable storage sites
It engages subtle methods
To keep things out of sight.

So each tossed-away utensil
And unwanted frozen peas,
This kindly kitchen gremlin
Rolls away to where you can’t see.

It covers them up so gently
With cosy bits of fluff,
Guarded by a friendly cockroach;
I think I have told you enough!