The Ely Gargoyle Speaks Out Poem by Sheena Blackhall

Today, I shall be your guide. I'm the gargoyle picking his nose above the walls.
Thank you for paying the pittance of an entrance fee. Every little helps.

Walk in through the great West Door of the Galilee Porch
The West Tower stands some 66m in height
The pillars and walls retain tiny fossils in the limestone
The monks paid for the building stones in eels

We have over 250,000 visitors each year, so no graffiti please

On the floor beneath your feet
Is a 19th century labyrinth with no dead end. D'you like the pun?

This place cost 12 million pounds for restoration
You have to breath, but just don't breath too much.

The South West Transept is an ornate Romanesque interior
St Catherine's Chapel's reserved for private prayer.
Here you will find the entrance to the Stained Glass Museum.

Film crews have used this a set…oh yes, the big screen
Elizabeth: The Golden Age
The Other Boleyn Girl
The King's speech

You'll be ready for a cup of Earl Grey and a scone in the refectory Café
Did I tell you Cromwell stabled his horses here?
Imagine all that horsey smell and dung!

The Nave is Norman. My medieval Church was the vessel
In which the faithful journeyed to find God
Ely Cathedral is known as the 'Ship of the Fens'

As a matter of fact, this cathedral covers the size of 16 tennis courts
It was the stronghold of Hereward the Wake. For a gargoyle I know my stuff.

The Prior's twelfth-century door, connects the Cathedral
to the medieval cloister.
Around the doorway carvings has signs of the Zodiac,

I'm not just a guide you know. I'm a waterspout, I fend off the evil eye.
I'm far more popular with the public than all those saintly statues
The roofs have flying angels. We don't converse.
I find their world view is rather narrow

The chapel in this transept is dedicated to St Dunstan and St Ethelwold,
Two tenth-century bishops who rebuilt the monastery
After the Danes had sacked it.

In France's Chapel of Bethlehem, a sculptor turned the gargoyles into gremlins
He'd better not come here. I'd settle his hash

In 1322, the Norman tower collapsed.
Replaced by an octagon surmounted by a lantern,
Built in wood and covered in lead for lightness.

Washington's Cathedral sports Darth Vadar…an American twist on the ancient gargoyle theme. But I digress…

There are two chapels on the eastern side.
The northern chapel, to St George it's built
Commemoratesthe dead oftwo world wars

Little boy wearing the superman suit, please remove the gum that youv'eplanted under that seat

The other chapel's in honourofSt Edmund, King of East Anglia
When the Vikings invaded he was killed
Tied to a tree and shot through the body with arrows.

The gentleman on his knees is trying to pray
Please stop your dog from snuffling at his rear

We have a medieval passage
That pilgrims used to pass from the shrine
Of St Etheldredato the Lady Chapel
Entering the Lady Chapel you meet a gracious, light
After the rise of the cult of the Virgin Mary,

Fat lady with the Duchess Fergie fascinator,
Pick your wet wipes off the floor right now

At the end of the aisle's Bishop Alcock's Chantry Chapel
Chantries were endowed to pay for a priest
To say Mass for the souls of the founder and friends,
To lessen their time in purgatory.

It's lovely to see young people in this place, but we prefer them sober,
And drug free, sir

St Etheldreda wasEly'ssacred foundress.
When the monastery was dissolved by Henry VIII
He provided for a full time choir to sing in Ely
And still today boy choristers perform

We hope you enjoyed the visit. Spread the word