~so This Is What I Would'Ve Looked Like If I Hadn'T Hated Myself~ Poem by Mary Nagy

Bending over the sink
I can feel the throbbing of my pulse in my ears.
The fear of what I'll see when I look in the mirror
keeps me rinsing for a few extra minutes
seeking comfort in the warm rush of water
over my head.

It's time.
It's time to release her
and feel no shame.

Out of the corner of my eye
the washcloth smudged with tans, pinks, and black
reminds me how much I've grown to count on
this disguise.
The safety of blonde hair washes down the drain
too quickly to stop it once it's started.
The blonde will be gone when I stand up.
The last shield from my true self...removed.
I grab a towel in the hopes of delaying the sight
I've dreaded since I was fourteen.

Standing up I see a woman in the mirror
looking back at me with a probing stare.
She had been hiding for so long
behind haircolor and makeup.
Finally she is free.
Today I stand here looking at her
naked faced with her natural haircolor
for the first time since childhood
and I hear myself say...
''So this is what I would've looked like
if I hadn't hated myself.''