Sick Again. Poem by Leah Ayliffe

When it gets to be too much
Whether I know about it or not
I collapse under the weight of my subconscious
Sick with a fever that comes too often
When I know I am far from where I want to be.
At first I get dreamy
Covered in blankets and lost in sleep
Thinking of happier things that may be if I simply believe hard enough
It will all be real, right?
Sickness is wonderful in such hours lost to the mind.
Then the ugliness settles in.
The pretty lies I once conjured up in my thoughts
Burn to ashes by my own undoing.
I must be psycho, schizophrenic, something deranged or other..
the way I think and talk to myself.
I try to laugh it off
Cause seeing such beautiful ideas on fire in self-destruction
Makes me go a little mad with panic.
I toss and I turn, sweating from the heat and the cold.
I try to spin a tale in my head that goes down a happier road.
This cycle occurs a few times a year
I suppose I make myself ill with fever
When I refuse to accept the turmoil I have found myself in reality.
I wake around the 3rd day, the same amount of days each time,
I can feel the trouble in what lays ahead if I stay.
You know it's time to schedule an appointment with the therapist
When the thought of death entered my mind today and I started singing
To the tune of "Three's Company"
Come and knock on my door..
I'll be waiting for you..
Then I freed from within myself a maniacal laughter
Knowing I cannot linger with these ghosts any longer,
I cannot hide.
Time to wake to a different tune in song.
A shower to wash the negativity,
And the smell of sadness.
Starting slow with new pajamas that feel fresh
Against newly cleansed skin.
I look in the mirror and see that not all is well behind those brown eyes
So I pull out my make-up bag to make myself feel pretty.
New beginnings, always the hardest things to start,
But I'll be damned if I let myself fall too deep into myself like I have done before.
Instead I skip down the stairs, play my favourite Christmas songs
And listen while I drink coffee and baileys.
I've been here before. This is something I have done to cure it all before.
It soothes my soul enough to think about the future and feel excitement instead of fear,
So I'll stick with this method of healing,
For as long as I'm lost and stuck staying around here.