Rastus, The Cat Killer Poem by Warren Brown

My dog Rastus, what an amiable fellow!
Mostly friendly and inquisitive
A bit of a larrikin and full of fleas
Quick to move and wanting to please.

He gets on well with other dogs
But he hates the sight of cats
And these he will pursue
And should he catch ‘em, phew!

There'll be fur and feathers everywhere
And a hell of row with lots of noise
There's growls and yelps and piercing screams
I have cat nightmares in me dreams!

The cat adorer will be out of kilter -
"That flamin' dog has damn near killed my flamin' cat! "
There's no sense of sport here old Son
Next thing you know, he'll be back with a gun!

But, Rastus is a cunning sod, experienced in the hunt
Has a strong foreboding of the price he'll pay
He knows the owner will be rather sore
He's tried to kill this mangy cat before!

Discretion is Rastus' second name, no hero he!
And quietly he decamps, leaving me to face the music!
Our cat lover is white with rage and he hasn't come to preach!
There's murder in his eye and a cartridge in the breech!

The Missus hears the ruckus and comes to have a look
Decides diplomacy is the order of the day -
"Oh, hullo Mr Jones, will you come in and have a cuppa? "
And so I'm saved, my hide intact, I'm feeling rather chuppa.

Till Jonesy is settled down and gone back to his borough
And wifey turns on me and with a steely, unforgiving look -
Accuses me of "sooling him on! " - to kill the neighbours cat!
Me do that? I'm a sportsman love, or I'll eat me flamin' hat!