Private View Poem by Gareth Glyn Roberts

Welcome to my private view
I'm the artist, how d'you do
I'm so glad you like my work
I'm so glad that I'm a berk
it's great to see so many here
help yourselves to wine and beer
plenty there to quench your thirst
oh, I see you've got there first
To exhibit in this gallery
is such a privilege for me
it's always been one of my ambitions
to exhibit in one of these exhibitions
a big hello to the Daily Post
all the way from the North Wales coast
and a big shout out to the Liverpool Echo
please help yourselves to more Prosecco
It's a retrospective show
(I've been around a while, you know)
but before we explore the individual pieces
some more about me and my personal thesis
I grew up in Ashton-under-Lyme
for what seemed like a very long time
I never was that fond of drawing
in fact I found it rather boring
so I ditched fine art and went in for craft
everyone thought I was totally daft
but I went to St Martin's and did my masters
on the theme of natural disasters
I did this piece about hurricane Irene
made entirely out of polystyrene
and bits of papier mache
when you opened the window it all blew away
plus a prototype in Styrofoam
but that one's in the garage at home
Have some complimentary booze
oh you already have, fair dos
I did another about a quake
consisting completely of coconut cake
jointly with my partner Marti
who you'll meet at the after-show party
I did another about a drought
and that was when the money ran out
but the guys at the Arts Council couldn't say no
so I sold them a piece about a volcano
then I did a piece about a flood
where everyone gets covered in mud
then a piece about a meteorite
which looks really heavy but is really quite light
I even did a piece about global warming
but the critics picked up on a pattern forming
so I changed my style and took up carving
when's the buffet out? I'm starving
So I'll leave you to have a perambulation
each piece has its own printed explanation
and if you want to know what any of this kit's worth
don't ask me - just ask the Whitworth.