Present And Future Poem by Trevor McLeod

The cold wind blows
the snow is quiet deep
as it builds into drifts
so deep they can conceal just about anything

I wonder through empty streets
snow has gotten into my boots
my feet are cold
my hands are frozen

the wind tears at my coat
trying to steal the little warmth I have
my face is cold from this biting wind
I struggle through the drifts

I don't pass anyone else
it is just me alone walking these streets
another day of my life gone
working a dead end job
walking back
just another soul

I pass a light and pause
as the light glints off something
I turn my stiff neck
and gaze in wonder

A beautiful dinner
laid out with care
two children drooling
as they gaze at a roasted bird

they glance up at a young man
who hugs them before sitting down
a young woman enters carrying a dish
she smiles and gently kisses the man
the two children make faces caussing the two to laugh

I watch for a moment as they begin to eat
I sigh and feel the wind pull at me once more
I lift my feet out of the drift and begin to move once more
I look across the street and see another window
lights blink softly flashing multi color discomfort into the night

why I stopped I don't know
I wish I hadn't
to see a child laughing
as bright paper flies into the air
I can just imagine the squeal of delight as the toy bear is hoisted high

I don't wait for the wind
as I begin to move
I see my apartment up ahead
I can barely hear my keys over the wind

I hear holdiay music coming from other apartments
as I climb the stairs
I reach my floor and the light flickers softly
the carpet is worn bare but I don't care

my apartment is cold
I don't know if the outside was warmer or not
I take off my coat and turn on the lights
no welcome home
no children laughing
no happiness here
only the cold

I walk to my kitchen if you can call it that
heating up a cup of noodles
I wait for them to soften
I grab the cup and go to my favorite chair
I sit down and flip on the tv
to see some holiday special

I grumble as I change the channel
only finding another special promoting good will and cheer
I flip to the news hoping to see something different
only to hear about soldiers missing their families

I look at my cup and find my stomach no longer is hungry
I can just imagine what that turkey must haves tasted like
prepared with care by loving hands and a loving heart
instead of packaged by a cold machine

The tv goes dark as I turn it off
I kill the lights and move to my bed
changing into my sweet pants and t shirt
I climb under the covers and shiver at the coldness there

I can still hear the music from next door
grumbling I bury my head under my pillow
I don't see why this holiday is so great
I live alone
I am alone
as always

darkness consumes me as I fall asleep
no dreams tonight I guess I am lucky
I hate my dreams
lies that just decieve me
get my hopes up only to crash and burn

You can promote the holidays
saying that it is a happy holiday
tell me what happiness lies here
I am told that I ruin this holiday by my own mother
just because I am to tired to decorate the tree

To find love and lose it at this time of the year
yeah it really makes me want to share joy around
So yeah you can keep your marry christmas and happy new year to yourself
because to me this time of year is a painful remeinder of what I want
but will never have
yeah it is a broken record I keep complaining about this
well what am I supposed to do
it is the same every year
so complain if you want but till you have walked a mile in my shoes
you have no right to judge me
I know this may seem selfish considering that others have lived worse lives
but I havn't lived their lives I have lived mine
I may have a diffrent opinon if I had lived their lives
but I havn't

I know where I am headed
I know what is in store for me
and I am not going to fight my future
my future is the same as my past
so to see what is going to happen I just have to look back and I will know